Mr. Pen Pal Only

Samantha – I’ll keep this post short and sweet because unfortunately our date was quite the opposite. I met this guy (again from Tinder) after work one day and was looking forward to it as we’d had some pretty solid virtual conversations. When he arrived I immediately noticed two things. 1) He was SIGNIFICANTLY shorter than me – this is when I learned to ask for heights PRE-date and 2) he was nothing like his online persona. Unlike our virtual chats, face-to-face we had so much trouble keeping a convo going and really had nothing to talk about. This was surprising, as usually I can’t stop talking and ramble on about the same amount as two normal people would on any given day. But this time, nothing but crickets and our two hour date felt more like two long, drawn out years. Example of my solid attempt at open-ended questioning:

S: “What kind of music do you listen to?”
Date: “A lot of different things.”
S: “Cool, what’s your favourite?”
Date: “I don’t know, hard to pick.”
S: “…”

EXCUSE ME SIR, CAN YOU NOT TELL I AM TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION HERE?

The ONLY thing we could agree upon was how crappy it is to commute downtown every day because lucky for me, we take the same route home. After giving this guy a concerted effort and far more energy than I had to expend, I gave up entirely on trying to converse and just sat in silence waiting for my stop. That night he texted me asking when he’d see me next, but needless to say, that day has yet to come.

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Mr. Starry Night

Miranda – One thing you should know about me is I’m an all or nothing kind of gal, and it’s probably a bad thing.

The Tinder game has been an uphill battle for me right from the get go. I’ve probably downloaded and deleted the app a dozen times so far in the last two years in my complete inability to find a decent man. Take it back two months ago, and I find myself yet again on the app, praying that the 12-year-old boys and the slimy fukboi’s have since left to give way to the Prince Charmings’ of the world. A couple swipes later (who am I kidding -more like hundreds) and who do I find but Mr. Starry Night.

I learn soon after that Mr. Starry Night is wonderful. He is intelligent, ambitious, and his sense of humor hits the mark. A couple days later we have a date for Friday drinks, stemming from the coincidental discovery that we were reading the same book, at the same time (Blink by Malcolm Gladwell in case you were wondering).

Monday rolls around and while bored out of my mind at work, I did something uncharacteristic and decided to reschedule the date to later that day because fuck it, I can’t wait another 5 days to find out if this man is actually a serial rapist. Surprisingly, he says yes and hours later we find ourselves at a craft beer bar having a blast over beers I can’t pronounce and mussels, the best kind of combination. Three drinks later, we’re tipsy and sloppily trying to maintain a witty banter and there, I understood that this fantastic night was coming to an end. We paid for the bill (dutch, mind you) and walked outside into the warm summer night. Just as I was about to thank him for the great date, he surprises me by saying “so, where to next?” Wait, there’s more?

Overall, it was an incredible and diverse night. We walked around in a park, I screamed like a little bitch when I saw a body laying in a dark corner, which ended up being just a homeless man taking a nap (sorry again for waking you from your slumber), and I saved a girl from her abusive boyfriend (more like distracted him enough for her to run away, but I’m still a hero). You know, just a regular first date. We ended the night lying in a field of grass, looking up at the vivid stars while he lay next to me, coughing uncontrollably every once in a while due to his recovering cold.  It was very romantic and why I named him Mr. Starry Night. I could just end the story here- and call it the best first 7 hour date ever, but that wouldn’t be an accurate depiction of the sad state of my life.

Mr. Starry Night and I parted ways and within 10 minutes he texted asking to see me again. Giddy at the prospect of finally finding a decent man from Tinder no less, I then proceeded to imagine every possible outcome of this encounter. Remember- I’m all or nothing. In fact, I was so excited and nervous at this insignificantly significant part of my life that I spent the next 5 days restless and unable to sleep.

When Saturday finally came, we had yet another enjoyable date eating and watching a movie, but something felt a little bit off. Call it my spidey-senses tingling or what have you, but something had definitely changed. At the end of the date, I mustered up the courage to explore this feeling I had. Sometimes, I hate it when I’m right. After a bit of probing, I learned a few things:

  1. He likes me, he’d like to hang again.
  2. He’s not quite over his ex yet – he just came out of a long-term relationship.
  3. He hooked up with a girl the Thursday and Friday before we met for the second time and he’d like to see where it goes with her.

Well, that escalated quickly. What a rollercoaster of emotions. Upon hearing these stark revelations, I abruptly thanked him for the honesty and hurried home, another chapter closing behind me.  We had a brief, but enjoyable stint together.

Like a star, he was there- shining bright and in the next moment, gone, as if he never existed at all. Don’t mind me -I’m not suicidal, just dramatic.

Mr. Forgetful

Samantha – When I moved back home I quickly realized that meeting guys was not going to be as easy as it was in university. Luckily, I have access to an unlimited stream of eligible bachelors at the end of my fingertips thanks to Tinder, J-swipe, and the hundreds of other dating apps out there. So, armed with an updated profile and absolutely zero expectations I dove headfirst into the dating pool. And after roping in one of my coworkers, we decided to share some of the horrifying and hilarious results in a series that we’d like to call Dating through the 6ix with my woes. 

My first date after returning to the tinder game from an almost year long hiatus, and what a warm welcome it was. I planned to meet this guy for drinks and was pretty nervous as it was my first real date in about 8 months. Luckily, he was exactly as I had expected – except for being 1 or 2 inches shorter that I am. I quickly learned to ask guys I meet online for their height, because while I recognize that is incredibly shallow, it is also a deal breaker when you’re 5’8 and love wearing heels. Anyway, we had a pretty great time and actually really connected, but the vibe definitely felt more “let’s be friends” than “let’s get it on”.

Come the end of the date, he realized he forgot his money “somewhere else” and asked if I could pay for us. This didn’t bother me – an independent, 21st century, liberal-thinking woman – in the slightest and I happily handed over my credit card when the waiter presented the bill to my very embarrassed date. He assured me he’d grab it next time – we’d already discussed follow up sushi – which I happily accepted because…well…free sushi.

Cut to the end of the date while waiting for the subway, I encountered a very awkward, very stiff first kiss. Men of the world: Do not stick your tongue down a girl’s throat during a first kiss; no one will ever enjoy that. We rode the rocket together to his stop, where I was treated to another assault by his tongue rifle, and was then left to collect my thoughts.

While it was a good date as far as first dates go, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the next one given the friendly vibe and less than sanitary first kiss. This turned out to be an omen of sorts because although his parting words were “l’ll message you next week”, I never heard from him again. Really, I was just disappointed I never got my sushi.