Introducing the inaugural entry to our brand to segment, Our Two Sense, where a pair of our esteemed daters provide their commentary on other awesome posts about life, love and all that good stuff.
Last Tuesday, Thought Catalog posted an article about the 59 Things Everyone Has Experienced While Dating Online In 2015. The post was just too good not to share so we’ve included it below along with our two cents! (hehe, get it?)
1. Ugh, I don’t want to be on any dating apps. They’re such a waste of time. Is this a sign I’ve given up on finding someone the traditional way? AM I UNLOVEABLE IN A TRADITIONAL SENSE? I’m pretending to be above online dating, but I want to find my TINDERELLA tale too!
2. …Well maybe I’ll try [insert app], people seem to like it. My friend just downloaded it and met her boyfriend on there so it must be chill. I’ll just focus on this one success while ignoring the countless stories of fuckbois from friends who have had no luck at all. Ya, total denial of horror stories is advisable if you want even a chance to survive 30 seconds on any dating app.
3. Ok which of my Instagram pics would make the best profile pic? And how edited can I get away with without catfishing the poor guy who swipes right? How old is too old for my pictures to be? I looked way cuter 3 years ago.
4. Right, so now what do I say on my profile? Do I try to be witty and cute or do I say nothing and work the mysterious angle? Ex. My current description: “peace, love and pizza” as told by emojis. Same here- I basically just profess my love for food, they don’t actually care what I’m about anyways.
5. Profile’s done! What a carefully curated piece of artwork- I should be in a museum.
6. Oh he’s cute *swipes right.* Dayyyum, how do I get with that?
6.1. Oh he’s super cute! Does that warrant a super like?
7. Ugh this guy looks like an asshole *swipes left.* Fukboi 101 alert.
8. There’s no way I would be his type *swipes left.*
8.1. I’ll swipe right on this guy because I have a feeling he did too *swipes right*
9. Is that my ex-boyfriend’s torso? *Favorites* Uh. No thanks. He’s called an ex for a reason.
10. Hmm this guy looks really hot in this picture but in this one not so much *not so sure where to swipe*. [Closes app, as if to really think it through]. Men, stop trying to trick us. We’re way too paranoid to swipe wrong for your “method” to work.
10.1 *Swipes right anyway hoping he looks like the cute pics* Apparently the method works on some of us…
11. OMG it’s been like 20 minutes and I don’t have any matches. Am I ugly! What’s wrong with society! Thinking positively – maybe they just haven’t seen me yet? It needs to time to load….
12. Whatever I’m so over it. I never wanted this dumb app anyway (this is a lie).
13. Deletes app. Or just ignores it for a while. This usually lasts 2-3 weeks, based on my previous experience. Until you’re bored enough to try it out again…
14. Repeat 2-10.
15. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling into the wee hours of the night.
15.1 I’ll just swipe until my next match.
15.2 I’ll just swipe until my next chat.
15.3 I’ll just swipe until I’m done shitting.
16. Goes to sleep, finally. Wakes up, phone underneath pillow, excited to see that there are so many new matches and messages! With only a few creeps to spare!
17. Today is going to be a good day. I walk with a strut in my step. The sidewalk is my runway. Bitch, move out of the way. WERK.
18. Oh yeah, he’s really cute. And I don’t even have beer goggles on. Success!
19. “Hey!” How many yyy’s are appropriate?
19.1. “Hey”, “Heyyy”, “Heyyyyyyy”. Ok, now I just seem drunk. Samantha may be wearing beer goggles in this case.
20. 8 hours have passed. I CAME ON TOO STRONG I KNEW IT. Should’ve limited it to only 6 “y’s.”
21. Well it says he was last online an hour ago but he hasn’t responded to my “hey” yet. I hate playing these games.
22. RUDE. Why am I playing these games?
23. Oh, this one’s even cuter.
24. “How’s it going?”
25. “Fine and u?” This is fascinating…Like dating wallpaper.
26. “Yeah I’m just busy with work, meh. Hey I saw you love Moloko — I love them, too!” *Feigns interest in your interests*
27. No response.
28. Still no response.
29. That’s fine. Whatevs. Self-protective armour – ACTIVATE!
30. This guy says he’s only into other fit masculine normal guys. I mean…
31. Oh he looks fun, I’ll message him.
32. We’ve been sending cute messages back and forth for like 2.5 days now, maybe it’s time we TOOK THIS TO WHATSAPP. Baby steps now, we don’t want to scare him off.
32.1. I don’t get WiFi in the office and Tinder is eating up all my data…
33. Just ask for my number! This is so the biggest step when dating online.
33.1. Praying he asks for my number before people catch me on tinder in public. Current life status.
34. Ok his name is David, I know way too many Davids.
35. But this David has really nice abs.
36. So I’ll put him in as David Abs, which is different from David Tinder and David Total Top. It’s fine – I only need to know the difference anyways.
37. Messaging with someone you haven’t even met is so fun! We connect so well even just through typing! My soulmate! We have so many superficial similarities. It’s like he gets me or something.
38. You love picking up the phone and seeing all the green Whatsapp notifications. It’s like you’re winning. No notifications is very sad 😦 Winning at the game we call life.
39. Something always goes wrong at this stage of the courting. Because the guys online always take it one step too far – Ex. “Hit me up tomorrow” “Oh ya, I’ll hit you, but only if you hit me back ;)” NO. JUST NO.
40. Scenario #1: SOMETHING GOES WRONG. Cute guy says something stupid/racist/misogynistic/idiotic. 90% of the time this is true.
42. Scenario #2: PERSON IS TERRIBLE. Hey, let’s meet for coffee.
43. Ok well that was terrible. NEXT. Oh god why did he have to try and hypnotize me in public. Shameless plug: see Mr. Hypnotist post for the details.
44. Scenario #3: Hey, let’s meet for coffee.
45. Oh wow he was so cute! And we had so much to talk about, I can’t believe I was there 5 hours.
46. After the first date he disappears completely. Messages are much less frequent. What did I do to turn him off? Was there not a mutually intense connection?
47. Scenario #4: Hey, let’s meet for coffee.
48. Oh wow he was so cute! And we had so much to talk about! I can’t believe I was there 5 hours.
49. Gradually we’re hanging out more and more.
50. He sleeps over. Tehehehe. An adult sleepover. Very mature Miranda…
51. He starts leaving things at my place — a tooth brush, a clean pair of underwear. He brings the coffee he likes and stores it in my cupboard. Like, does this ever really happen though? Never. The tell-tale sign is usually the girl leaving the bobby pins at the guys place.
52. He’s my boyfriend! Like official boyfriend anyway. I considered him mine after the second date. HAHAH Bitch, you crazy.
53. Where did you two meet?
55. Do we tell the truth or do we lie and say “mutual friends”?
55.1. Secret desire is not to meet anyone awesome on tinder so the meet-cute shared at your wedding doesn’t revolve around an app designed for getting laid.
56. Maybe online dating isn’t so bad after all.
57. Ok we’ve been dating for [insert length of time] now…why are you still on Tinder/Hinge/OkCupid/Grindr/Match? Should I still be too??
59. When it ends — if it does — repeat 1-58. It’s back to the notification screen.
So, thought catalog got it pretty spot on…more or less.
At least there’s comfort in knowing that although online dating is a huge fail, at least we’re not failing alone.
Yea…cuz you can really cuddle up with the idea of not failing alone on a Saturday night…
Preach sista. Till next time, this has been Our Two Sense!