Samantha – I know you are tired of getting hurt. Trust me, I’ve been the shoulder to cry on enough times to know that wearing your heart on your sleeve puts it directly in harms way. However, from someone who has never been so bold, let me tell you that you are so much more impressive than those of us who just ‘keep it together’ all the time.
If it wasn’t already painfully obvious from my previous posts, I am not really the relationship type. Truth be told, I never really have been. I had one “serious” boyfriend for about a year (on and off for quite a bit longer) but that’s about it. I say “serious” because it was for him, but never really that big first love for me. Instead, I’ve had numerous one night stands, casual dates, and a couple flings, with the longest one lasting for MAYBE a month depending on your opinion of the timeline.
Honestly though, I have never been bothered by my singledom and truly love being a strong, independent women who don’t need no man *insert sassy snaps here*. The problem is that this strength is now my shield, and detaching from emotions has always seemed easier than admitting to wanting something more. In my mind, as long as I didn’t care no one could hurt me, and I played this mantra on repeat until I had everyone convinced (including me) that it was true. Yet, I have finally realized that it is ok to expect more from a guy than a late night booty call…during what is probably the most single-friendly stage of my entire life.
As a 22-year-old recent grad with no strings attached to anything, I am the perfect candidate for being single and having fun. Which according to this blog I have certainly taken advantage of the past few months. However, after “throwing my cat” around, (pardon the ‘Easy A’ reference, in some ways Olive Penderghast is my spirit animal) I have decided to stop hooking up and start settling down, at least for a little while. This inconvenient epiphany is only further complicated by the fact that while I may want a relationship, it doesn’t seem like many guys do. I can’t find one eligible bachelor who wants to go on more than three dates, let alone make a go at an actual relationship.
So I began thinking that maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m too picky…Maybe I just don’t have what these guys are looking for. But, thanks to countless hotline blings and less than chivalrous requests for a lady of the night, I’ve decided that if that’s what guys want, fine. I am not what they’re looking for, and that’s ok too.
I have never been one who’s afraid to make the first move, ask someone out, or go for what I want…EXCEPT when I actually like the guy. It’s like the second I could make a real connection , I over-think, self-sabotage, and consequently shoot myself in the foot. And no, I do not think that this a unique problem, most girls I know would admit to overthinking every single ‘y’ in the often overused ‘heyyyyy’. The difference is that for someone who is generally so driven, I am a huge coward when it comes to a connection, and when one thing goes wrong I am quick to dismiss the guy with a casual “On to the next!” I can probably thank Tinder for this, as there is always a ‘next’ potentially waiting for me with an effortless swipe to the right.
From a strictly scientific perspective there generally two types of people:
- Romantics: Believe that there is “true love”, if it’s right it will work itself out and that soulmates exist.
- Work-it-outs: Believe relationships evolve and grow, and requires work from both parties to be right.
I always believed that I was a Work-it-out type as the idea of soulmates makes me roll my eyes more often than not. However, my quick dismissal of someone at the first sign of trouble definitely points toward a romantic ideal instead of someone willing to barrel down when the going gets tough. Perhaps I am more romantic than I thought and am just waiting for someone to crack through my hard exterior and expose an actual softie on the inside. Trouble is, I make it damn hard for anyone to break through – made obvious by my ex-boyfriend who said he felt like he didn’t know me after 5 years of friendship and almost a full year of what was supposedly my first love.
But, before this post takes a dark turn to depressing-ville (here I go, changing the subject when things get a little too raw) let me just say this:
To all the wear-your-hearts-on-your-sleevers, fly to NYC for a first date romantics, and true love believers, I applaud you. Sure, if you act like you don’t care you can’t get hurt. But the real inside scoop is that it is much better to have loved and lost, than been the person who hasn’t loved at all – and acts like they’re ok with it.
Let yourself be vulnerable, let your heart be excited by every new connection and don’t stop believing that your next first could be your last, because that takes guts. More guts than this girl ‘who always keeps it together’ has, that’s for certain.