Mr. Heteroflexible

Miranda- I did it! My first official one! I can now safely call myself a certified ho after having completed my first booty call.

Why is this so exciting, you may ask? Well, at the ripe old age of 22, I have not yet experienced a sexual session with no other intention other than hooking up. You see, before this, sex and emotions have always come hand in hand (unless there were severe amounts of alcohol involved). So, after the dismal ending of the story that is Mr. New York, I decided to challenge myself. I needed a rebound, to get out there, and honestly to just stop giving a fuck.

I’m now back on online dating with a vengeance. Within a day, I found my prey. He’s cute, fit, and seems to be on the same page, except for one interesting characteristic. He’s self-labelled as heteroflexible. Now this is the first time I’ve heard this term but from what I gather from him, he’s mostly straight (about 70%) but does enjoy the occasional company of men. This definitely piqued my interest. I talked to Mr. Heteroflexible for a couple more days before we set a time to do the deed.

It is the day of my debut and a couple hours before I was supposed to come over, he messages me saying that we’ll have to reschedule. What’s the reason? His dad’s boss’s son just hung himself that afternoon and his dad needs him while he’s under such emotional duress. I know, yikes. 3 days before Christmas too. I can’t even make this shit up if I tried. And this small, horrible, evil part of me couldn’t help but think: I just got cockblocked by a dead guy. Yeah, I know, I’m going to hell – probably first in line too.

We rescheduled for the next day and I Uber-ed to his condo at an extremely classy time: 12:30am. In fact, the Uber ride itself was extremely awkward. I had a talkative driver that was interrogating me on the purpose of my visit to a man on a Wednesday night. It’s like I was already doing the walk of shame. Except for I wasn’t walking, I was being driven and it was before anything even happened. An Uber drive of shame, more like.  As soon as I arrived, I was greeted by Mr. Heteroflexible with a hug. I then made a rookie mistake. I went up to hug him and said out loud “nice to meet you” for the concierge and other patrons of the lobby to hear. I definitely need more practice to be smoother about this process.

Mr. Heteroflexible on first impression was more of a Mr. Homosexual. I was surprised to hear a strong gay accent since he identified more straight than gay, but other than that he was pretty much what I expected. We went up and had some lighthearted talk with wine, but no moves have been made by either side. Half an hour later I went to the washroom and once I came back he tackled me. And so the booty call began. Afterwards, we cuddled and fell asleep. Wait, actually only he did. Never have I heard such a loud and obnoxious snore. Let’s just say I got no sleep that night and was tormented by his snores for the entirety of it.

Other than that though, I would say it was an overall positive experience. I’m proud of myself for trying it and I’m amazed to find that I can hookup just because I want to. I don’t need for there to be emotion attached to enjoy myself and have fun. I don’t need to leave these situations an emotional wreck and lament on every detail for the next few weeks. It’s kind of empowering in a way and I have gained a bit of confidence through this. I’m not sure if I’ll continue to do this in the future but at least I know I can. You see, I too can be a shameless ho.

#newyear #newresolutions


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