Closing the book or just turning the page

Just as I am confused about being in relationships, I’m also super confused about what it means to end a relationship. It’s been about 2 weeks since I ended it with Mr. High School crush (don’t worry, this is not a post about how sad I am and how much I miss him). Of course, I did have my sobbing on the couch chick-flick watching eating ice-cream sort of day, but mostly because I felt entitled too and used it as an excuse to have zero guilt about not being a productive human for the day. After my tears were out, I managed to get back on my feet and prioritize things that I had neglected when I was so focused on my relationship, mainly school my friends and family and the looming job applications. Life kept going and I almost thought – “Mr. High School Crush who?!” (just kidding).

But, as I kept replaying the break-up in my mind (please tell me that this is something that everyone does), I kept feeling bad. Not the breaking up part – hell I’ve never been so happy to be single, but more so about HOW we ended things. Long distance, in a fight and yelling at each other on the phone. Not exactly the way that I was hoping to show my maturity and care for him.

After talking it out countless times with roomies, friends and family I tried to take the next logical step in a break up and what I was hoping would address my guilt for our over-the-phone- break up fight: closure. Lucky for me, I was back in the six for the week for interviews. Aha, perfect time to get “closure”.  I decided that since I did the dumping, the ball was in my court to initiate the closure aka what I thought was the official end of things – I mean that’s what closure is, isn’t it? I constructed the perfect text (sweet and sensitive but not flirty, caring but not needy, and most importantly not too many emoji’s, exclamation points and haha’s) and managed to arrange a meeting with Mr. High School Crush over the time I was home.

Our meeting day came around, and I felt all confident and ready to face him again. Like I said, nobody did anything wrong – we just drifted and came to a point where being together wasn’t a great option for either of us. Upon deciding at meeting at a Tim’s (perfect place – neutral ground and no opportunity or temptation of break-up sex), the anxiety kicked in. Maybe it was because he announced his own anxiety, or it suddenly dawned on me that this could be the last time I talk to/get to hang out with Mr. High School crush – and I realized at that moment that I didn’t want that.

Of course I arrived first, and of course he was late, but once we were both there things just flowed. We caught up, shared some laughs until the “so…” came. I managed to spit out (a surprisingly eloquent) schpiel about how I still love and care for him, and wanted to apologize for breaking up with him the way I did, and that hopefully he could still somehow be a part of my life. Lucky for me, he felt the same way. His was a little more heart-felt (side note: I find the stereotype of girls being more emotional/sensitive to be a little off – as per my own experiences and with my friends, boys these days are WAY more sensitive and emotional than I ever would have thought), with a few more proclamations of love and hope of a future together sometime down the line,  but we agreed that friendship was what we wanted next. I mean, we love each other as people and get along great when we are just hanging out – our issues only came from being romantically involved with each other. I left our rendezvous feeling pretty happy with how things ended (a little confused with some feelings popping back up – but that’s normal right?) and said bye to my new ‘friend’ with just a hug and subtle kiss on my cheek.

Now I process this because I don’t know if I actually got closure. In my mind, closure was the end of an era, the closing of a book, something that is finito. But for us it seems that our book is still open, but that it’s just changed pages. Today, I woke up to a video on my newsfeed that I just had to send to Mr. High school crush because I knew he’d love it. We chatted, he said he had some to send me too and we went on with our day, because that’s what friends do isn’t it?

I can’t decide if still being his friend is “leading him on” or not letting him get over things with us and the break-up I know I can handle it (didn’t even flinch when my friend announced that he was on Tinder, that says something right)? I’m going to stay true to my inner optimist and think we can be friends –  and I hope we can because I’d definitely rather him be a friend than just a fling or gone forever!


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