Carrie – I’ve gotten to a point in my romantic experience, or perhaps my confidence level, where I can tell where I stand socially when I walk into a party of new people. I can tell the girls that want to be my friend and those that are wary cause I’m new meat and they’re not sure if I’m a threat or not. I can tell which guys are not interested and which guys want to take up some of my time to see if they are. The latter are the guys that stand by you at the party in a social group they know, just to put less space between you two. They’ll accidentally bump into you if you’re at a party when someone passes by or they’ll do a turn on the dance floor at an opportune beat to start dancing with you. Sometimes I’ll entertain the conversations by the food table while I munch on the free chips, mainly so I don’t look like that big of an antisocial fatty. However, I’m a firm believer in not leading a guy on that I have no interest in and I’m an expert at being straight-up with a guy to say no. Actually, I’m quite rude. But I’d rather be alone than feel lonelier trying to feel something for someone who it’s just not there with.
All this confidence is lost when it comes to a guy that I actually like.
- Even though it’s not on purpose, I’ll notice when and where he sits at the library and find myself sitting in the areas I suspect he’ll be at. I get excited when I’m actually right about it. (Thank God for creatures of habit, amirite?)
- Then, I start getting rambly, lose my focus, and find any opportunity to go talk to him. BUT, instead of actually thinking about what I’ll say, I just blurt out the first thing on my mind like “Good luck and Godspeed” before our exams the next day. (I had to search it up where in the recesses of my mind that I got that term from after – Neil Armstrong during the moon landing… yeah, I’m THAT smooth.)
For the first couple of weeks, I felt I had the upper hand with Mr. Heart Emoji. He came to sit with me on multiple occasions. He said he’d send me a link on Facebook and then started typing in my last name before I even told him what it was. I sassed him for stalking me and he seemed to flub up. He sent me fb messages Heart Emojis (hence his name). Then it started slipping away from me, I felt less secure about this power switch and in classic destructive fashion – because he was the first guy I actually felt something for in a year – I slept with his good friend. Of course it’s the friend, Mr. Grilled Cheese, who he has class with everyday.
It seems like timing has not been in our cards so far. He’ll send me the occasional snap, most of them quite fuckboy-like, such as: his dog when he’s home in the 6ix, playing basketball, or a selfie on a Friday night. I felt our relationship changed when I saw the “smirk emoji” on my name to indicate I was his best friend but he wasn’t mine (this was definitely one-sided). He tends to hover over me in the library cubicles and I’ll find myself beading sweat under the pressure of someone invading my personal space, but also because it’s overwhelming to stare into his really intensely blue eyes (like not to be cliché but they’re actually really blue, it’s disturbing). But then the next day I hear from our mutual guy friends from our alma mater that his strategy with girls is being the nice guy and then I also hear that he’s on dates with girls from undergrad so I think it’s all over.
In the mean time, I’m not going to sit around pining. I was dancing with a guy from med school at a Med-Law mixer event. This guy is tall, he’s handsome, he’s nice and he’s a future doctor; actually perfect on paper. I’m literally forcing this med student guy to salsa dance, shouting at him to move his feet in time and for some reason, he was compliant. As I break from him to get a drink of water, Mr. Heart Emoji shows up and greets me before walking away. I am so perplexed and torn; I end up going to the med student who walks me home. I invite him in, only to realize I’m not into it and had a revolutionary thought: why have sex with someone you don’t see a future with? Perhaps it was paired with a guilty, nagging feeling from bumping into Mr. Heart Emoji right at the end of the night, a little like a cautionary sign. In a very uncharacteristic but refreshing move, I dismiss the perfect med student after my realization with a yawn and “it’s getting late: are you going to walk or uber?”
As you can tell, I have a crush on Mr. Heart Emoji. Like really bad. Like probably the worst I’ve had since I started writing for this blog over a year ago.
With the past guys, they were from Tinder or from a bar, and it was obvious that there was sexual chemistry. It was also clear to some degree that it was reciprocal. But there’s nothing quite like the sting of unrequited love. The type that makes you cringe when you’re watching movies like Love Actually and you’re like “just go for Karl, you dumbo, you’re the last two in the office, there’s nothing easier than this!”
With unrequited love, it is possibly the most vulnerable you can be. It’s the kind of vulnerable I don’t want to be in because it’s what’s gotten people hurt since time immemorial. Mr. Heart Emoji is precisely the guy that could hurt me but for some unknown cosmic reason, I am so drawn to him.
It all boils down to the end of semester party, the only time I’ve ever been at the same pre as Mr. Heart Emoji and he makes sure to say hi to me from across the room after I show up (fashionably late but of course). But when I get black-out, I am also so physically attracted to Mr. Grilled Cheese and end up flirting with him relentlessly throughout the night.
[To be continued…]