Bachelorette in Hell

 

Carrie – Move over Bachelor in Paradise, there’s a new show called Bachelorette in Hell and it is my love life. (That was cheesy, I apologize.)

Throughout the first few weeks of January, in order to get over my obsession with Mr. Heart Emoji, I distract myself with an app called Bumble where the girl has to talk to the guy first. Now, I’m pretty good with alluring men with one liners. In fact, I arrange three dates in one weekend.

Keeping em? That’s a different story (aka this blog post).

Continue reading “Bachelorette in Hell”

Mr. Heart Emoji – Part Two

[Hey, if you haven’t read Part One, you might get confused. Click the link here!]

Carrie – In true blackout fashion, I remember saying “cheers” with my gal pal and Mr. Heart Emoji on our third round of tequila shots. Then not much more.

I am blackout at the pre but in cruel, cruel fashion, my brain can recall one interaction. Profusely flirting with Mr. Grilled Cheese, we end up as the only two people in the one of two rooms, probably because I was making everyone uncomfortable with my aggressive flirtation. (I was told later I was doing this IN FRONT OF Mr. Heart Emoji because I am a fuckgirl). I drunkenly confess to Mr. Grilled Cheese, “Well like you’re the last person I’ve slept with! Aren’t I the last person you’ve slept with?”

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I still cringe at how much of an embarrassment I like to make my life. Then he stutters “uhhhh” for approximately a minute. I save him by telling him I know I’m not, call him a manwhore, and top it off with a, “But I know you’re into me.” To my dismay, he answers, “A little bit.” Me: “A little bit?” “Yeah, a little bit.” I swear I probably would have mounted him right there if we weren’t in public cause I am such a horny little drunk.

I end up at a bar. How I got there, not too sure. As far as I’m concerned, Mr. Grilled Cheese was not there. I remember snippets of sitting in a booth with my gal pals and Mr. Heart Emoji, and also snippets of drinking water out of the bathroom faucet, just to prove that 23 is still not a classy age. I think I had fun and my Visa bill proves that.

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Accurate depiction of me receiving my visa bill.

Now the next bit is where it gets interesting. There is a 24 hour diner near the bars in Ottawa. At that point, I was not aware of this. (Now that I am, that Visa bill will only continue to grow.)

Mr. Heart Emoji and I wind up there. Alone. I deduce he must have asked me to go at 2 AM because I’m confused why we’re in a booth alone and none of our friends join us. But I happily order a $16 burger (one that I later proceed not to eat a single bite of) when a classmate shows up. Now let’s call him Tree cause he is ridiculously tall and dresses like a lumberjack. Tree starts by asking if he’s interrupting me and Mr. Heart Emoji. We say no, then he sits beside me and Tree asks, “but you guys are gonna bang tonight, right?”

Continue reading “Mr. Heart Emoji – Part Two”

Mindy Lahiri is a Lying Betch

You may be thinking: “Gasp! Oh no you di’int…How dare you desecrate the good name of Mindy Lahiri: OB-GYN, Sass Queen and spirit animal to millennial women everywhere!”

Well dear followers, I certainly di’id and someone had to say it. Now I know that Mindy is #goals, she’s smart, sassy, and hero to us all. (Clearly I’m girl crushing. Hard.)

While this is all true and I love The Mindy Project for so many reasons, our favourite Indian Gyno is also a Total. Lying. Betch. The woman who we look to as a guide through the treacherous waters of modern dating is really just reinforcing romantic tropes and unrealistic expectations for our relationships! What do I mean, you may ask? Well, let’s start with the ways in which Mindy meets men.

I mean, I have NEVER met a cute guy on…

…the subway

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…at my office

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…the office next to mine

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…on an airplane

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…or again on the FRIGGEN SUBWAY!!!

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Like, are there really this many single hotties hanging around waiting to be met in NYC? Because if so I have got to get out of the 6ix ASAP!

Maybe it’s just my current life stage that people aren’t looking to meet “The One”. There certainly are enough hot men walking around the financial district to satisfy one women, but how do you start talking to them as you pass by? I have eye-banged an embarrassingly large number of men as we’ve crossed paths, but starting an actual conversation in a natural and endearing way is extremely hard. I mean, COME ON, there is actually a dating app that lets you talk ONLINE to someone you’ve passed IN PERSON. Wtf is that about Happn?

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Back to the matter at hand.

If a young, fun, professional female in relatively good shape wants to meet a guy outside of the online dating world, how does she do it? Subtlety hand off a business card while walking past a hottie?  Or just say “Hi, you’re cute” and pray he doesn’t think you’re stalker? MINDY, LET ME KNOW…asking for a friend.

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I guess I don’t really hold it against her because despite seriously unrealistic ideations, I am still #TeamLahiri. Not only does she actually represent a positive body image in a world of human rakes, but she is probably one of the most relatable characters on television.

Exhibit A:

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and…

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or

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Lol been there…

Like Mindy, I am often a little too brash, a little too chaotic and a little too into wine.  And like our dramatic heroine I have not yet given up on ~love~. Sure, neither of us is a stranger to the one night stand and have had our fair share of setbacks (see any of my blog posts or seasons 1-5 of The Mindy Project)…But I honestly believe that one day all those mishaps will be fun anecdotes to share with the guy who’ll be foolish enough to love me (and Mindy) in spite of them.

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So maybe there isn’t a line of guys waiting to date me if I act entitled and obnoxious. So what? This is a TV show after all, and I’m not sooo delusional that I’d take all my life lessons from a woman who’d eat a bear claw off of the streets of NYC. The crux of the matter is Mindy is unapologetically herself and inspirational to all of us looking to find our inner Beyonce Pad Thai warrior.

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So cheers to Mindy, you’re a babe. I’ll let you sum up this post with my personal mantra for 2017. Can’t wait to see what shenaniganry we’ll both get up to this year…

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Recycled Love

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It’s Saturday night and I’ve decided to stay put in my sweats while watching Sex and the City reruns. The thing is, I’m pretty content with my night and lately I’ve found the need for solitude more and more appealing.

Recently, I found myself face to face with a thing of the past, more specificaly, a man from my past. Its your typical ex story, with the grand over the top breakup, the draining back and forths, and the endless supply of tears and drama. Unfortunately for me, this has been going on for just over a year, 14 months to be exact. Its that terrible cycle, you know, the familiar one. You cut the communication and decide it’s best to go cold turkey, and then its a text message on your birthday or a congratulations on graduating then sets this awful cycle in motion again. And every time you convince yourself it’s “different” and you’re both more mature this time around. And every time you actually believe the crap you say to justify your “connection”. But when is enough really enough? How far will we go to recycle old boyfriends? Should a relationship that ends really stay finalized, or should there be an open door for making something new out of something old?

I wish I had these answers. You can ask as many girlfriends as you choose to for these answers but you know you’ll wind up getting the same one from them all. The thing is, you can ask anyone whose opinion you value what to do, but I’ve found in my case it really doesn’t make any difference. All that matters is the way you feel and while that may seem obvious to most, how often do we really stay true to our own feelings and desires? Who is anyone else to tell you what to feel or who to talk to or who not to talk to for that matter? What I’m trying to say is that I think it’s alright not to know the right answers or which decision to make when it comes to matters of the heart. After all, isn’t the whole point of love to experience this epic highs and lows which make up our perception of the whole concept?

So how do you know when to call it quits for good or to give it another shot in the pursuit of love? Well you sure as hell shouldn’t ask me, I’m still finding that out.