Carrie – Having held my re-born again virginity for nine months in hopes for the elusive 10 to mean something more, I wasn’t going to let some non-consensual quasi-hookup with Mr. High School Musical take that title. After processing what happened (lots of alcohol + Bumble guys = bad choices), I decided to get on the Tinder train in Ottawa.
I was talking to this Naval Architect and he was checking all the boxes. He loved drinking, had a full head of hair, a daily gym goer with a stable job and I was hooked. Plus he had trendy circular-framed sunglasses in his summer pics near the water and I just envisioned us wearing matching pairs as we lounged on the beach. (Yes, you may roll your eyes at me). We had been talking every day for just short of two weeks before he finally asked me out… talk about the slow game. As fate would have it (or his poor planning), he was leaving town to visit the east coast for a week. He told me he’d message me when he got back.
In the interim, I had matched with this other guy. He messaged me a couple of times so when Naval Architect left, I answered him back but he was definitely a back-burner type of guy. An Ottawa-native with a U of T business degree, his responses were nice but boring. After Naval Architect had come back for a few days (which I deduced from frequent stalking of Tinder “km away” LOL) but failed to message me, I sheepishly accepted the date with the other guy.
I end up meeting him for a patio beer and the sunlight hit his slight unibrow and patch of four white-heads near his nose just so. I was repulsed and named him Mr. Unibrow, vowing to write a post for the blog.
He ended up being super nice, although there was no spark, so I spent a couple of hours, getting free beers and walking over to watch the dogs near the dog park. When we departed, he high-fived me before a hug and I was honestly so appalled by the awkwardness of this guy. He messaged me, thanking me for a good time and I thanked him back, thinking that’d be the end of it.
A couple of days later and a few drinks in, I was walking past a patio of a taco restaurant when I did a double-take at a guy who looked familiar. I opened my Tinder and asked my friend to compare patio dude with Naval Architect. When she gave me the confirmation, I texted him “hope you’re enjoying your tacos” to creep the guy who had never messaged me back. But I like to think I won when I not only ignored his “yo you creeping me?!” text but when he started double-messaging me asking what I was doing that night. We were chatting back and forth until he kept bragging about getting drunk at a restaurant “with the boys.” I was thriving off him reaffirming his interest in me but also getting over this frat-bro loser.
On the same night of all times, Mr. Unibrow messaged me, asking to hang out again by going for a hike. And compelled by my very-recent realization that I only go for douchebags when I was ignoring a nice guy who was asking for my time, I agreed to a second date with Mr. Unibrow.
July was filled with fun dates with Mr. Unibrow, who I am happy to report rid himself of his whiteheads, although not his eyebrow hair. He had a nice build though, tall with toned muscles. Oh fuck it, I’m just rationalizing why I ended up sleeping with him on the fourth date even though there was absolutely zero chemistry. But our dates would have been perfect if he was the right guy. One time, we went to a Food Festival (where he got overwhelmed so we ended up going to a Chinese restaurant nearby). Another, he introduced me to his friends at a bar who were actually so fun (unlike him). Then on our last hangout, we went to a comedy show with his friend and his friend’s girlfriend and he ended up sleeping over.
There was about three weeks left of summer and I was heading home for the last two. I was planning on getting one last sex session out of Mr. Unibrow (lol) before saying our goodbyes since I was starting at a new school when the fucker ended up breaking up with me via text.
I repeat: MR. UNIBROW BROKE UP WITH ME.
Talk about a blow to the ego. He pulled the whole “I don’t know what you’re looking for but I was looking for casual.” I bit my tongue to refrain from a petty “couldn’t tell by you introducing me to two sets of your friends” to message back “yes, I’m not looking for anything serious either” which was true considering I was talking to other guys on Tinder at the same time. I was confused when he 180ed and said “Well casual things never work out so I think it’s best if we stop seeing each other!”
I was in a laughing-state-of-shock, like the kind when your dog jumps on the table and eats your burger but he’s so cute you can’t be mad. I gracefully responded with an “alright, you’re defs overthinking this but peace out.” Note to self: don’t sleep with douches OR nice guys with unibrows you just settle for because they take you out for food and drinks.
Three months later, I get a “hey what’s up” message. I respond with a hesitant message, unsure of who it was because I had never saved his number #emotionallydamaged. When I piece together it’s Mr. Unibrow from his boring response and weird emoji placement, well I’ll just leave the screenshot to reach my apex of pettiness.