Mr. Love You, Love You Not

Carrie – On the advice of my friends Pam and Sam, I’ve started to watch Jane the Virgin. 15 episodes in one day later (I’ve had a very relaxing holiday season, okay?), young Jane asks her mom “what does love feel like?”

Jane’s question inspired me to try to encapsulate my answers in a blog post. So also on strongly-worded suggestions from Pam and Sam, I’ve decided to finally write this blog that I’ve been putting off: the “I’m finally in a relationship again and I’m not sure if I’m in love” post.

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There are definitely benefits to being in a serious relationship again and more importantly, committing to someone you really care about. I’ve got a cute, beardy, genuinely nice guy from small-town Manitoba (SO not 6ix) who not only texts me back but calls me first; someone who has got his shit together; moreso than me, with a job, car, and no insane amounts of debt (thanks #lawschool). Bonus: he’s got two eyebrows! (see Mr. Unibrow). He is quick-witted; he remembers minute details like when I randomly told him I hated the taste of Dasani water and weeks later, he grabbed me an Aquafina bottle at the gas station; and my brain’s dopamine levels probably go off the charts when I see him calling my phone. It’s for sure the most mature relationship I’ve been in, with someone who is willing to talk about our issues, own up, and apologize (cause he’s the one who’s always wrong).

But sometimes I have nagging single-girl tendencies that come creeping up from the depths of my subconscious.

  • For example, gone are the days of the stints of dry spells; I have a consistent sex-source. (But also my only sex source.)
  • No longer do I have to worry about finding someone who’s down to Netflix with me on a Friday night in the -30 weather when I don’t feel like going out, I’ve got a go-to cuddle buddy. (But sometimes I miss regaling my girlfriends with stories of the latest fuckbois over brunch.)

I’m not sure what I was waiting for. I mean that in two ways. Firstly, I don’t know why I made such a big deal of holding out for my tenth kill. In fact, it was putting myself out there back on the Tinder grind full-throttle led me to Mr. LY/LYN. And now, with the thought of being tied down again, I wonder if I did myself a disservice to not have “lived” a little more while I’m still in my prime (I am convinced I peaked in fourth year).

But secondly, and maybe more curiously, I mean holding off this blog post. Is it my need to have the holistic picture after the end of relationships to be able to write about it? Is it my fear of publicizing my rejection online if/when things inevitably come to an end? Is it my perpetual mode to be cynical?

So here is my attempt to Be Brave and write about the thing that scares me the most: have I fallen in love again?

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“What does love feel like? How do you know for sure you’re in love?”

While Jane’s mother responds, “it sort of feels like your heart is glowing,” I find this very unhelpful in terms of practical assessment. If I were writing on the show, I would say there should be:

Continue reading “Mr. Love You, Love You Not”

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An Ode to 2017

Samantha – Just this past week a new year has sprung, and as such I’m thinking of the men who have hung
Around for the past 300-odd days, there are some to forget and some worthy of praise.
So to keep this “year-end-review” both creative and fun, I’m attempting to rhyme about the conquests I’ve won.
This poem may seem lame and a little bit crass, but it’s just a joke so don’t take it that seriously you ass!
Ok, enough of this intro, let’s get to the deets. Recounting my love life in rhyme is truly a feat.

The year started out with a dry spell in fact, I’d insulted Boston Babe and he wasn’t coming back.
As well I was caught up in dramatic affairs, my best friend confessed he loved me but I couldn’t have cared.
That’s not true, I’ll admit, I cared a whole lot, but not in the way that he wanted I’m afraid not.
So he “dumped me” for a while as a friend and anything more, I was hurt, I was sad and a little unsure
How I could’ve been dumped from something I wasn’t in, a trend I now recognize with a little chagrin…

At the Superbowl I left during the halftime show, for a one night stand that cemented my spot as a ho
In the hookup hall of fame as I returned to my friend after finishing my tryst to watch the game’s end.
My next interaction came as quite a shock, I met a girl that I vibed with and our hookup? It was hot.
She wanted to see me again to my surprise but I had to cut that off because I really just like guys.

Fast forward a few months to my trip to San Fran, I left for the weekend with a friend and a plan
To have new experiences both wild and fun, little did I know that I’d be the wildest one.
UK Bae had a hold over me that I can’t quite describe, I swear when he looked at me I felt my insides
Flip over like gymnasts who would certainly win gold,  with a hookup to match I was basically sold.
This guy was amazing! I thought with glee, but that wasn’t entirely the full story you see,
Fore he had a girlfriend who wouldn’t be impressed, with my lust for her boyfriend, not my best move I will stress.
But I couldn’t ignore our connection which felt so strong, and we kept talking for months, both knowing it was wrong.
A couple months later our affair came to an end, the sexting was LIT but we didn’t see each other again.

Lucky for me I had many distractions, the night after UK Bae, Senor San Fran sprung into action.
Also a hookup that was top notch, this Mexican hottie lit a fire in my…..heart 😉
We also kept talking, even skyped once or twice, I was attracted to him and he was very nice,
But I didn’t want to keep up our constant communication and stopped answering his messages, except on occasion.
Oddly this sweet guy never did quit, and at the end of this month he’s coming to visit.

In August I went with Pam to Bolivia and Peru, we met 4 cute Irish boys, quite more than a few.
As usual, romance abroad is rather fortuitous, and  I met a cute Brit who came over to dance with us.
We had a little fun in my hostel bed, then I left at 6 am not catching feelings, but a flight instead.
I’ll note a couple of others who had little effect, who came in and out of my life as you’d expect:
One man from the bar who was on too much blow, another whose moves were just quite so-so.
A friend on Halloween became a little more, oh shit this poem is making me sound like a whore.

For those of you who are paying attention, at the beginning of this poem I happened to mention
That I’d break up with guys who I hadn’t been dating, a recurring issue equally as odd as it is grating.
One time in particular I went with a friend to watch a rugby game but then at the end
He referred to me as “his girl” not once and not twice, but often to strangers which I didn’t think was nice.
The next time we met for bacon and eggs, I broke up with him before our coffees reached the dregs.
He was totally aghast, shocked and offended, handed back my waterbottle and said “Our relationship has ended”.
I tried to keep a straight face and act all serious, but couldn’t believe he’d been so delirious.
He’s got a girlfriend now so maybe I’m Good Luck Chuck, But that doesn’t seem possible because we didn’t even fuuuuuuuu…

Through all of these stories, the good and the bad, I’m glad to report none have made me upset or mad,
Except for one dude who I didn’t even bang! Who is he? Yup, you guessed it, it’s Mr. Man.
Long story short the flirtation has lasted far beyond being fun and I wish I was past it!
Every time I feel over him he crops up once again, keeping me on the hook but insisting we’re friends
You’d think a man of his age would be fully grown, but 6 months later and I feel totally thrown
So I’m starting 2018 fresh and anew, with a resolution to stop wasting time where it’s undue.

And thus we end off the story of my year, I think that at this point it’s pretty clear
that I wasn’t on the lookout for one true love, but kept my mind open, indicative of
a year that turned out nothing short of amazing, no heartbreak, disrespect or men needing tazing.
While my flings came and went, as they so often do, I still think that I learned a grand thing or two:
Follow your heart but think with your head, and always feel empowered to kick that fuckboi out of bed.
I cannot wait to see what 2018 will bring, as long as it’s not Mr. Man drama, well then that’s a good thing!

@Mr.New Year’s (but not really)

It’s only been two days into 2018, and I’ve already managed to break my New Year’s Resolution for a ~new year new me~. Realistically, I managed to break it an hour into 2018, at the New Year’s party that I was at.

A few weeks ago, after I had just turned 24, I decided that there was a lot I wanted to do before I reached 25 – sort of like my own quarter life crisis. One of the things high on my list was to be more open to dating , be less shy and go with the flow when it comes to boys (for anyone that knows me knows that this is not typical of my usual dating behaviour). After a slow 2017 year consisting of only a handful of dates, a fling with Mr. Fast Food, and one random make out in South America – I decided this year I was going to put myself out there and have some fun, before I missed my chance.

There I went – jumping right back on the horse (aka downloading an app), and was actually having fun chatting with some nice and cute guys. This won’t be so bad I thought, dating can maybe even be fun as I tried to embrace my new mindset. Flash forward to New Year’s Eve at a big concert party in the six that I was very excited about. There was a great band playing, I was going with some great friends and most importantly the venue had a food court (I even got my face printed on a macaroon – HOW FUN)! The thought of talking to any boys was not really on my radar, nor even a possibility in my mind.

The party was great – we were dancing and having so much fun! In the middle of dancing, Sam, looked at me, and pointed out a cute guy who was apparently staring at me. I caught a quick glimpse and he was cute but I didn’t think anything of it as he walked past, maybe just confusing me for someone else. Not even a minute later he 180’s and backtracks to my group, not breaking eye contact the entire time, where I was and pulls me aside asking if I wanted to dance – how romantic! He was so cute, clearly interested and I had the approval from my friends that he was not only legit, but a great guy- what the hell was I waiting for. I don’t know if it was my shock of this happening or the fact that I’m really awkward– but I panicked for some stupid reason I decided that the appropriate response to what I was hoping would happen to me one day was “no thanks, I’m not a very good dancer”, with what I thought was a flirtatious giggle. WHAT. Immediately regretting my decision, because it was dumb AF, I tried to explain that I did want to but that I was just bad at dancing, which in a crowded bar, was really just blabbering on. As I tried to  salvage what may be left of my screw up, I realized that I had just messed up, when I should have just said “yes” and Mr.New Years had already decided that I wasn’t interested . A few minutes later he walked away and when I turned around, I already knew I screwed up and had that confirmation from my friends, who told me to run and find him and give him my number (which I most obviously didn’t do).

So this little, not even a really big deal to most people encounter started my new years off with a crash (instead of a bang 😉 ). The year that I wanted to be #noregrets, started off with a BIG regret. How could I want to be so bold and fun and embrace the single wild and free, and when a boy is there, basically on a silver platter in front of me, I manage to turn it away. After debriefing when we got home from the party, and mustering up courage to add him on Facebook New Year’s Day (aggressive, I know, but he did accept)! Not dancing with this boy may seem like the silliest thing, and you may even be wondering why on earth I actually spent time and wrote a blog post about it. But I am using this as my explanation to re-start my resolution and keep this regret and reminder as the push I need when faced in that same situation again. I feel like writing this town solidifies the fact that I will need to be more bold and open to new experiences, because if not now then when?

 

So with that, Happy New Year – hopefully I’ll have some more posts to share this year 😉