Mr. Heartbreak Breakup

Carrie – The curse of having a great memory is having to disassociate every moment you’ve ever shared with him. 

The latest memory that sent me into tears was mini donuts. Yes my friends mentioned mini donuts, a great joy in people’s lives and diets, but a bitter sweet reminder of our first date when we lined up in front of the “hot and fresh” carnival donut stand.

Image result for hot and fresh mini donuts stand
yes, this made me cry recently

The saddest part of having a formal relationship is knowing that the transition never really involves after-the-fact friendship. Maybe ex-sex or the occasional run-in. But rare to have true friendship if you didn’t start off with it.

My second relationship, the second longest I’ve ever had, and I let myself fall for him. He was the kind of nice guy, a new best friend, that I could never imagine hurting me. Until he did. And instead, I just feel like his latest on a string of girls that don’t make it past six months.

In his car outside my apartment building where we had our first kiss, we had our last. Full circle. I couldn’t even kiss him properly because he was afraid of catching my cold. Before you go and think he was some kind of monster, it’s hard to understand the nuance of our relationship without knowing our full story. It involves mental health barriers and I’m a little to raw to open those up. 

What I do feel comfortable sharing is that I fell in love again. The unfortunate part is I told him that and he said yes he has strong feelings for me but still, no, he can’t continue, and he’s sorry. 

How does one move on from that ultimate rejection? I’ve had countless successes in my life this past week and all of them, I’ve wanted to go running back to tell him. But I can’t. He’s gone. And his absence overrides all of the other positives life is handing me.

How do you treat someone like he or she is gone forever when you can see them active online? How do we navigate break-ups in the digital age? (Even as I wrote “ups”, autocorrect changed it to “iOS” #irony) 

So then I’m stuck procrasti-thinking while I should be finishing assignments: Is he hurting as much as me? Is he happier without me? Will I ever get the satisfaction of knowing? 

I am convinced that men run on different post-breakup timelines. In fact, I’ve had all but a handful of ex-flames who don’t do the post-relationship texts. The “hey what’s up” texts, just as you’re getting over them. For less serious relationships, often they’re three weeks after. For month long flings, three months after. For the serious (or if he’s just really bored), you get the text eight months after spilling his heart and/or trying to rekindle the spark.

But there’s no guarantee this happens. You can’t have any expectations of a later text because sometimes it doesn’t happen. And in order to get over him, everyday has to be one more day you get through since the last time. 

My heart is both heavy and empty. I cry throughout the day, but I smile a bit more each day too. It gives me strength to know I’ve gotten over one horrific heartbreak breakup and this too I can conquer

He wasn’t forever guy and I just have to keep on working to make new memories in place of what I thought would be forever ours. While I’ll probably store the memories back in my mind, the association will start to hurt a little less with the passage of time.

So here’s to mini donuts, you will never taste the same.

Image result for mini donuts rose luisa

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