To the girl(s) after me:

Carrie – Hey, it’s me. Someone you don’t know and someone you probably will never know.  The only reason why I’m aware we’re connected in this universe is because we were both intimate with someone who once meant a lot to me. I just have so many questions for you though and the unknown has been bothering me.

So you just started seeing him – my ex. I imagine you met on Tinder cause he never goes out or does anything social, including interact with humans.

Did his eyes also widen when you got into his car for the first time because he was shocked you actually look like your pictures? Did he tell you that you looked so gorgeous when you had your first dinner date together? Did he tell you that you don’t have an ounce of body fat on you after your third time having sex that made you feel like a hot goddess?

Or did he change after seven months and tell you that you’ll never be as fit as him because you don’t go to the gym six days a week? Hopefully he hasn’t start pointing out your flaws yet like when he pointed at my face right where I got a pimple and laughed. But yeah, you’re right, maybe that’s cause he was bullied as a kid for being fat and he needs to take the insecurity out on you.

Did he tell you his last relationship didn’t work out because the girl had a lot of mental health problems? Yeah, and then he probably abruptly changed the conversation, telling you that you’re nosy. I hope you realize now that it’s a front for his own mental health issues that he hasn’t worked out. He told me that too and it turned out he was dumped while at home over Christmas, something I spared him from because I didn’t want to traumatize him, even though we had been fighting nonstop. In reality, that “crazy” girl really just dumped him for another guy and they’re already married a little over a year later.

When did he drop the fact he has OCD? Did he mention it in passing when you noticed all the appliances were unplugged at his house and then when you asked about it, he just said “no” and cut the convo off? Maybe you were finally the girl he opened up to and was able to tell about it. Maybe he’s finally come to terms with it, not to yell at you, angrily, and send you home when you ask to look at his pictures of you two and discover one of his coping strategies was to take videos on his phone; something he wasn’t ready to share with you yet.

What was his excuse for having all his ex-hookups on social media? Fine, I’m being jealous, but what about those 18 year old Brazilian girls? I’d love to know! Maybe you should check his inbox because it turns out, he’s probably messaging the Mexican one who looks 12. He’s probably telling you that he just told you a “white lie” when you specifically asked him if they were DMing when she commented on his pic. He’s not crossing lines, he has “clear conscience” because he isn’t ‘cheating’ when he responds back to them, and starts liking other girls’ pictures without liking yours. “He just likes having international people on his Instagram.”

Is he finally ready for that serious relationship? He told me that too, “if it’s gonna be with anyone, it’s gonna be with you.” Hopefully, after you introduce him to your parents, he’ll tell his parents about you. Maybe you’ll be more than a “they know I have a girlfriend but nothing more.” Well honey, you’re gonna be in for seven months before he starts shutting down, avoiding you, and gas-lighting you to believe you were too demanding when you just wanted him to stay once past 10 AM on weekend mornings. Same pattern of six months for his past four girlfriends. I hope that he doesn’t continue to hover with prospects of maybe getting back together. I hope you realize earlier than I did that he’s too scared and selfish to let you go fully, even after he breaks your heart.

Did he tell you he got tested, is clean, but doesn’t like “domes” and asks to have unprotected sex? Was it after the first time you had sex that he asked that too?

Or did he finally fess up that he has herpes? Maybe he told you it was a cut on his dick from hockey like he told me, maybe what he ignorantly wanted to believe, and you’d go ahead and have unprotected sex with him.

Did he tell you that he gave it to his ex? Yeah… me. Or has he continued to spin it in his head after the fact – to process the guilt that he isn’t able to compute – that instead I gave herpes to him. Of course, I myself would find out four days after having sex with his open sores, fidgeting in pain during my grandma’s funeral and having to sneak off to the emergency room during my first herpes outbreak. Maybe he cried in front of you like he did to me because he admitted he was so sorry for changing your life. Hopefully, for your sake, he doesn’t take the apology back seven months later and start blaming you because he literally can’t handle the truth.

The biggest question: did he go down on you? After half a year and ruining my vagina to deal with the erratic outbreaks that leave me feeling disgustingly unsexy, I still didn’t get that once. Has he finally found a girl that he wants to have sex with more than once a week after the honeymoon phase is over instead of him wanting to beat it to his porn?

Okay, fine, last one. Does he tell you that he loves you? That answer probably hurts the most because even after all this shit that he put me through, I loved him and told him that. The closest thing I got was telling me I was “lovable” when he was high and buying me a heart shaped pizza on Valentine’s day, the only girl he’s ever spent the holiday with until you.

But don’t worry – we’re fully done. I realized as much after he asked me to “just have sex and go from there” a month after dumping me and I naively agreed, only under the condition we were moving toward getting back together. Turns out, he said what he wanted to get sex and ghosted me the day after. Didn’t even get so much as a “happy birthday” two weeks later but to find him back on Tinder when I get back to Ottawa, the place I stayed when I found a job thinking I’d still be with him.

I hope he doesn’t break up with you because you told him you were sick four days ago but haven’t changed your sheets yet. The dealbreaker for him was that he wouldn’t stay over the night. Because “in sickness and in health” really does mean something in a true relationship; something he was never able to do because he’s afraid of germs, but even more-so, afraid of commitment.

Sorry this letter is so long. Maybe you’ve even stopped reading because you want to carve your own path with him, regardless of the past. Hey, that’s fair. I just have had to process a lot on my own, but I want to make sure you don’t get as emotionally and physically hurt as I did. Maybe I’ll be able to spare you from my reality: telling my future partners about the herpes I now live with and getting rejected from casual sex… It stings more that I’m not sure he’s doing the same.

Beyond that, for your sake, I hope he changes. These quotes throughout this letter, they haunt me as I replay moments, wondering if I read too much into it, what I could have done differently, and where I went wrong.

But that’s all BS. It’s taken me a couple of months to realize that I have a beautiful body, radiant skin, and an amazing personality that people gravitate to, despite what he made me feel about myself. That I am the one who is mentally stable and able to love fully without being clingy; it was just something he said to hurt me when he started avoiding me and didn’t have an excuse. That I AM a priority and I wasn’t asking for much either when I wanted to spend, just once in over half a year, more than 15 hours with my partner to know what he’s truly like in a day. That I am owed as many apologies as it takes for me to grieve the loss of my sex life as I once knew it because of his selfish decision and my naivety for trusting the first guy I didn’t use condoms with. But most of all, that I deserve love, I will find it again, and I’ll find someone who gives me the same caliber of love that I gave to him. I hope you get all of this, you never let him take it away from you, and you get to reap the benefits of all of the lessons I taught him and he taught me.

This letter is closure. To be honest, I don’t respect him nor wish anything good for him – but I’m sending my best to the girl(s) after me.

Carrie

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