Mr. “Oh Yeah”

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Making noise in the bedroom is usually gratifying for both parties. When you hear a moan escape from your partner’s lips, you know you’re doing something right.

Unfortunately, some people take it out of hand. I’ve categorized these people into:

(1) Screamers
(2) Chatter-boxes
(3) Excessive moaners

The screamer is someone who sounds like they’re being ripped apart when they orgasm. They’re not just loud when they’re close to climaxing but rather release a shrill like yell, the type you hear in horror movies when someone just got caught by the murderer.

I lived with a screamer once. I thought I was home alone until I heard someone yell at the top of their lungs. I lunged for a kitchen knife because I thought someone broke into my apartment and killed my roommate. NOPE, just an orgasm.

The chatter-box can take one of two forms. The first is the overly-concerned chatter-box. This is the person who will repeatedly ask “do you like that?”. It’s important to be courteous to your partner but if I’m enjoying myself, shut up. The second is the dirty-talk chatter box. Some people may enjoy dirty talk, but everything has its limits. I’m comfortable with a few comments here and there but if you keep talking you’re going to ruin the mood. Like sir, we’re banging you’re not reading me erotica.

Recently, I encountered my favourite moaner. I have labeled this type the “oh no’s”.

I bumped into a guy I knew from undergrad a few weeks ago. We started chatting about a project we worked on together in school and how I was kind of a bitch because I was super keen. After reminiscing for a while we swapped numbers and said we’d catch up over drinks later that week.

Going for drinks, I had no idea whether this was a date or just two friends catching up. My plan was to go grab a couple drinks then go to a friend’s birthday party and have an early night.

Things didn’t quite play out as planned.

We met up for drinks at a really low-key place. We ended up really hitting it off. After a few hours of hanging out a couple of his friends came to join us at the bar. I mentioned my friend’s birthday and they took it as an invitation to join. So we all made our way to the next bar and continued to drink. Four beers and a gin-and-tonic later, this guy and I are making out on the dance floor like we’re first years at a frat-party.

Everything was going well and I was having a lot of fun with him. When he asked me to come back to his place, it only seemed natural to accept this invitation.

When we started fooling around I immediately had a flash back to that scene in Trainwreck where Amy Schumer is having sex with that really jacked guy and is just so not into it. At that moment I empathised with Amy.

This guy used to play football so he was pretty muscular. Unfortunately, while having sex there were points where he’d put all his weight on me. Having 180lbs crushing you isn’t really “sexy”. Not ideal but at this point I’m thinking it could only get better from there, right?

Wrong.

As I’m finally kind of getting into to it, I hear the words “oh yeah” escape his lips.

I’m thinking, okay… cool… guess I’m doing something right. Then I heard it again… and again… and again. This man was repeating the words “oh yeah” the entire fucking time.

There was a massive human being on top of me, closed eyes, and just repeating the phrase “oh yeah” while I lay silent and stunned. Was this man for real? Once the shock washed away the next step was not letting laughter escape me.

Like I was a participant in these activities. I could say from first-hand experience that it was not “oh yeah” worthy, much closer to “mmmm kay”. You’re not a god bud, you are a mere mortal with an average dong.

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The Click

101009784Everyone has had a similar experience, whether with a friend or a romantic partner, you’ve met someone and instantly “clicked”. From the moment you two saw each other there was some sort of a metaphysical connection that drew you to one another.

It’s something more than mere attraction, it is as if something in the universe says you two need to connect. There’s no fighting it, like two magnets pulled together, your attraction is guaranteed.

I met K last summer while staying at a hostel. A friend of mine had a little too much to drink so I ended up dragging her butt back from the bar and taking care of her for a solid portion of the night. While sitting on the floor holding a garbage can to her face and trying to force feed her bread this insanely handsome guy came down the stairs and took a seat on the steps right in front of us. He kept me company while I consoled her and stayed to keep chatting after I finally managed to put her to bed.

We only spoke for a few hours that night because he had to catch a flight home in the morning. With no kiss or steamy one-night stand, we added each other on facebook and parted ways.

I’ve never had such an immediate connection to another human being. In those few hours I felt as though I wanted to tell him everything. It was an indescribably feeling, as if we were meant to play some sort of role in the others life.

After our wonderful chat I came to terms that I would never see K again but just a few days later he contacted me. We ended up speaking almost every day for a year. He became one of my closest friend. On the rare occasion, when we would video chat rather than message, we would talk for hours about everything you could image … our friends, travels, politics, aspirations and most importantly, one day, seeing each other again.

A year later I get to finally see my newly found best friend in the flesh. Against all odds our connection has maintained it’s strength and will soon be bringing us back together.

I have no idea if this person is meant to play a larger role in my life or not. Perhaps as a friend, companion, lover, or maybe our journey is intended to end upon our reunion. I can’t anticipate what will happen, but I’m excited to find out.

Swifting through guys

Taylor Swift, an artist known for her ability to master multiple music genres, having killer legs that could make a Victoria Secret model jealous and most notably, her serial dating style.

Since her recent breakup with the insanely handsome Calvin Harris and all-too-quick rebound, Tom Hiddleston, she’s left the world wondering… wtf is up with this chick, why is it that she just can’t get it right?

I for one want to send out a big thank you to Taylor. Thank you for being an actual human being. As a serial dater myself, I get it. It’s hard to find love, especially when you have such a vivid image of what you want to achieve in your life. You aren’t looking for someone to love you, you’re looking for someone to challenge, support and excite you.

So why does it matter if she’s jumped from guy to guy? Is society stating that there is something wrong with dating a number of people in an effort to meet the right one? That’s a pretty preposterous statement to make, isn’t it? How can we possibly judge someone for giving people a chance and trying to find that connection we all strive for.

Some people are lucky, they meet “the one” early on like a penguin that finds the perfect pebble for his mate, they’re tied at the hip from that moment on. Conversely, many of us like to test out the waters before jumping in. Why would there be so many fish in the sea if we weren’t meant to swim around with a number of them.

To all my single ladies (both famous and not so famous) – just keep swimming.

Mr. MusicMan

For the last half year I have tried to make sex meaningless. I felt as though if I could overcome the emotional aspect I wouldn’t get hurt anymore. But I did, in every sense of the word.

My first date with Mr. MusicMan was okay at best. He started off really negative but I thought it was just because he was tired from working all day. All he did was talk about hating his job, wanting to be a rock star and dreaming about winning the lottery. He was stupidly good-looking so I cut him some slack. At the end of the night he drove me home and kissed me. It’s been a while since a kiss has actually made my heart drop but it happened. Best of all, he messaged me the next morning saying he wanted to see me again!

Our second date took place at his apartment. He wanted to make me dinner – which I basically took as being a booty-call. At first I was hesitant but then I came back to this recurring notion of “why should I care, it’s just sex”. So I went over. The entire night was kind of awkward but I just blamed in on the sexual tension.

After dinner we were hanging out and although I was promised a movie he never turned one on. This just confirmed my belief that this was a booty-call. We ended up making out and it got steamy really quick. Mr. MusicMan was significantly bigger than me and was picking me up with ease. He did all the right moves as picking me up and tossing me on a bed is a sure way into my heart and usually my pants.

Things got intimate VERY quickly and the next thing I knew he was on top of me. This is where things got uncomfortable and quickly made me challenge this perception of sex that I’ve been trying to adopt. Almost immediately he went from being someone who I was super into to someone I was kind of afraid of. I’ve always had problems with intercourse and it’s a huge hit or miss whether or not it will hurt me. Unfortunately, this time it did. But it also didn’t help that he was incredibly rough.

He wanted to change positions every 10 seconds, to the point where I felt like a fucking acrobat. The entire process hurt me immensely and although he asked if I was okay or whether I wanted to stop he never actually slowed down even after I asked him to. The worst part was that I wanted it to stop but felt too uncomfortable to tell him. Here I was having sex with a guy I barely knew – how was I supposed to explain to him that I have a medical condition that clearly had gotten worse and was causing me an excruciating amount of pain? What if he won’t like me or won’t want to see me again?

After the torture was over I went to the washroom. I came back to find him in bed playing guitar – almost like I wasn’t there. I was uncomfortable and unsure as to what to do so I kind of just chilled for a while. We had some very uncomfortable pillow talk where he basically told me I was shallow and cracked a joke about me being a virgin. He also made a comment that he didn’t think I was the “type of girl” to have sex so quickly – leaving me confused and embarrassed feeling like I misread the incredibly clear signs.

At that point I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I felt disgusting, degraded and worst of all in so much pain I thought I was going to struggle to walk. After asking me to stay the night and rejecting his offer in the kindest way I could (which probably came off really rude) he drove me home and we went our separate ways.

He messaged me that night but then, as it always does, the conversation died and that was the last I heard from him.

This post isn’t about saying he was a shit guy and it’s not about saying sex can’t be casual. All I’m getting at is I think casual sex isn’t my thing. Everything that happened that night was consensual but I didn’t leave his apartment feeling giddy or even satisfied. I left feeling used and abused. Worst of all he had given me indication that we would hang out again, that he wasn’t the type of guy to just sleep with a girl and then throw her to the curb. Although I’m usually careful of these types of comments, I really wanted to believe him. I guess he was at least nice enough to drop me off on my own curb.

 

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .  .   .  .

 

Progress report:

At the point of writing this post (originally) I honestly thought we would never speak again. But the following evening, I was feeling weird about how things were left off  so I thought I’d try and ease the weirdness by making a joke. The night before he was convinced he was going to win the Power Ball, so I thought it would be appropriate to open up the conversation by reminding him that he lost:

Cirque De Soleil (2)

Maybe I have a shit sense of humour but I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t tell a girl that you don’t intend to see her again the evening after you had sex. Not only was the sex awful but now it was clear this guy was a MAJOR D-BAG.

A few days later I have the good fortune of hearing from him again:

Cirque De Soleil (1)

At first I thought introducing a conversation with an emoticon at 12:30am meant I was being booty called. But then I remembered he was in Montreal all weekend so that wouldn’t make sense. As you can see from my side of the conversation I’m hilarious (or at least I think so). Even after receiving a message saying “Missing our horrible sex…” I still tried to crack a joke. Like, sir, do you really have to remind me of how bad the sex was? I was there; I’m well aware you sucked.

That was clearly not the response he was looking for. I’m not sure if he wanted me to comfort him or something but that’s not really the way I normally react to an insult. Try to bring me down and I’m taking you with me.

Dear followers, please feel free to share your thoughts. (1) WTF was the point of this conversation? (2) Did I seem stressed at all in order to warrant being told to “relax”?

I’m starting to think I just attract crazy. I’ll keep you guys posted if I hear anything else from this guy, it’s bound to be post worthy.

Mr. Red

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When we think of “the one who got away” we tend to be overtaken by feelings of remorse and regret. Instead, shouldn’t we be thankful we got out in a timely fashion?

I dated this guy for only a couple months, but for whatever reason it seems more like years. It started in my senior year of high school. There was this attractive guy who I eyed from a far but didn’t think he was interested. During a weekend getaway, he was the top pick on every girl’s hit list but I’m the one who caught him. We spent all weekend together and those three days may have been some of the happiest I’ve ever experienced.

It was so good that we decided, fuck it, we’ll take it back to the city. He was a year younger and I was going to university the following September. Simply put, shit didn’t work out, I was crushed and spent a year trying to get over him.

How could something that lasted a couple months fuck me up so badly?

  • He kept re-appearing. Girls, if he keeps telling you – how important you are to him and how he wants to make your “friendship” work but then calls you in the middle of the night to profess his feelings… STOP ANSWERING. You’ll wake up with butterflies going “OMG HE WANTS ME BACK!”. Conversely, he’ll wake up with a hangover and little memory of what he said. So while your heart is fluttering and you’re on cloud 9, that jerk is lying in bed trying to piece together how many beers he pounded last night.
  • He became untouchable. So you’re finally getting over him. You deleted him from facebook, Instagram and even snap chat. You’re back in the dating game and are wheeling some hotties. You’re so over him it’s not even funny. So you add him back. Why the fuck not? He wants to be friends and now that your feelings are gone you don’t see why you wouldn’t give friendship a try. You get into a relationship… he gets into a relationship. It’s all good, you guys are moving on. But every time you see his name it feels like someone punched you in the gut. Now that he’s back in your life through social media you get a message every so often. And every time you see that fuckers face you still want to jump him.

It’s been four years now since we dated and I think that I finally am starting to appreciate the fact that we’re over. The fact that you still snap me every so often, even if it is to “be friendly” probably wouldn’t go down too well with your girlfriend. I’ve also come to terms that I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me… no excuses. Being with someone should be simple: A meets B. A likes B. A goes for B. B says OKAY. A and B make sexy babies. DONE (plus a few steps in between but I think I got what was important).

So if a guy is complicating a simple formula requiring two factors by adding in a bunch of other bullshit… then be grateful that someone took him off your hands. Love is worth working for, not losing your mind over. Appreciate the people who have come into your life and also appreciate the those who left to make room for better ones.

Remembering Mr. Adventure  

 

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Charlotte – Most of us go through our fair share of guys and gals before finding “the one”. We hop from one to the next but never take a moment to be thankful for our experiences with each. Maybe he was a shit kisser but made you laugh a lot. Maybe it didn’t “click” but he taught you something new. Maybe he made too many jokes but he had the perfect smile.

I had previously written a different post about Mr. Adventure. I was going to talk about our date, the fact that he was absolutely wild but also incredibly romantic. I still intend to, but this post isn’t about the date, it’s an opportunity to reminisce and appreciate the person. Just this week I got the news that this wonderful daredevil had pushed life’s boundaries just a little too far. This week we lost someone I regret not appreciating more while he was in my life.

On August 7 th, 2015 I went on a date with Mr. Adventure. He had tried to make plans with me multiple times before but I wasn’t into it. He was a couple years younger and I didn’t think it would work out. But finally I caved.

I thought it was going to be an early date, so when he didn’t call me until 9:00pm I was pretty pissed – I didn’t even want to go on this thing, but I’m so grateful I did. Just like him, this date was not ordinary, and surpassed every expectation I could have contemplated.

He picked me up and we drove to a forest a little north from our area. We hiked through the woods until we got to a fire pit he had made with his friends. He built a fire and we sat around for hours talking about life. He even brought towels for us to sit on and marshmallows to roast. He was a hopeless romantic and had this way of making everyone around him feel so special. Not because of some ulterior motive, but rather he genuinely saw the specialness of every individual. You could talk to this guy forever and about anything. He was wise beyond his years, lived every day like it was his last and his goals surpassed what anyone could accomplish in one lifetime but he was on his way of achieving all of them.

His sense of adventure was contagious; his confidence was reassuring. He could convince you to overcome your greatest fears because you knew that with him there were no boundaries, no concept of fear, no limitations as to what you could do. He somehow got me to climb a tree in the middle of the night so that I could overlook the lake ahead. I could barely see how to make my next step so I relied on him to walk me through the climb. I had to talk him out of jumping in but had I not been there he’d be in the water in a heartbeat.

After hours of taking in the perfect night with a wonderful human being it was time to go. I didn’t know whether it was the fire, the time of night or the aggressive make out session but I was exhausted. While driving back I had fallen asleep in his car to wake up not at my own home but rather his. He decided he wanted to drive me home on his motorcycle and when Mr. Adventure had an idea it was hard to change his mind.

We swapped the keys and I got on that bike. I swear that was the first and last motorcycle I will ever ride. The next 15 minutes felt like forever. Even his presence didn’t calm my nerves. I’ve never been so afraid but looking at his face he seemed so calm and happy. Yes, he was a daredevil. Yes, he liked to partake in some inherently risky activities.  But he was not afraid of consequences because he believed in living for today and not tomorrow. Maybe his sense of adventure got the best of him but I have no doubt that while he was flying through the roads on his bike he had that feeling of serenity and his signature grin from ear to ear.

I won’t be getting date number two with Mr. Adventure but I will never forget that child like appreciation yet mature understanding of life that he brilliantly balanced. I will strive to extend a greater amount of appreciation to those around me, to face my fears and take chances. To live adventurously and to welcome every opportunity and challenge that comes my way. To value those who come into my life, no matter how short of a period they stay.

Mr. Economics

Charlotte – I’m usually obsessed with the idea of finding love. I want a boyfriend, something steady and secure. But this summer was different. For the first time it wasn’t about landing “the perfect guy” but instead just landing a quick bang. It was the summer of fun.

After spending a couple of months backpacking Europe, indulging in the sights, food and (most importantly) men, I came back to Toronto craving male attention more so than ever before. So, I ventured out to my old stomping grounds, because what better place to find a suitable hookup than my old university town.

At a kegger this handsome guy caught my eye. I had seen him before but I didn’t think he knew who I was. A little bit of background… he had tutored me in econ once, and while I should have been listening to him lecture, I was thinking about all the raunchy stuff we could have been doing in that classroom instead. Now Mr. Economics was standing four feet away from me, wearing sunglasses even though the sun has gone down. I took the opportunity to strike up a conversation by basically telling him he looks like a moron…Don’t ask me how but it worked.

A couple weeks later we went on a date. He picked me up in an Uber and took me to some super hipster place for food. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed a first date that much. I could not stop laughing! He was so funny, quirky and quick with his remarks.

I was new to downtown living at the time, so he decided to show me around Ossington where we proceeded to grab a drink… well more like six. After feeding me superb food, making me laugh nonstop and getting me perfectly drunk, I thought it was appropriate to bring him home.

Let’s just say we meshed well, really well. This continued for another few dates: delicious food, fantastic conversation and probably one of the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had. I thought everything was moving along, what we had going was perfect!

Date number four came around and we had barely spoken during the week so I had a feeling that something was off. I like to think my intuition is pretty spot on, and if I feel like something is off it usually is. Once again, I was right.

We went on our date and it was fun, not as much fun as previous ones but great nonetheless. He walked me home and kind of just stood awkwardly for a moment so I formally invited him in, although I thought that was assumed at that point. He came in and instead of throwing me on the bed, as per the usual, he uncomfortably sat down on my chair as I sat on the bed. At this point I’m thinking, “this is strange… did I do something wrong?” We watched a few funny videos and things seem as though they are looking up, and I thought that maybe he’d finally join me on the bed. At the point when I’m ready to pounce, he suddenly gets up and says he has to go.

That’s the last time we hung out. When I confronted him he just made up some bullshit excuse about work and needing to get some chores done. Yah right, the day a guy puts chores over sex is the day that fling has flung.

A couple of weeks later I found out he’d gotten a new job in New York. Not sure if that influenced his decision for bolting out of my room that day but silly man, if you had just been honest we could have taken a step back from the dates and a step forward on the intimacy.

Why are men so stupid?

Dr. Dentist

Charlotte – I’m a serial dater who just can’t get it right. I have always been the girlfriend-type, with my most recent relationship just under three years long. However, since ending that about half a year ago, I have gone through my fair share of dicks (in both senses of the word). This single thing and I are just not getting along.

I won’t do the tinder thing. I know I’m probably going to give in soon, but am staying strong for now. As a result, I need to be more resourceful in how I find my men. Usually it’s through acquaintances, bars or maybe a friend. This time, however, my mom got involved when her client’s son saw a photo of me and wanted to shoot me a message. My thought process when my mom told me was something along the lines of damn this is sketch; he’s probably a thousand-pound serial killer but why not.

First date rolls around and we go to a bar to grab a drink. I got there first and am sitting around waiting for my serial killer blind date to come and join me. All of a sudden this stunning, tall, well-put-together bearded man comes by. He gives me a side grin and apologizes for being late. Not sure if the shock showed on my face but it must have. He’s a dentist who’d just come back to Canada after doing residency in the States for a few years. I’m sitting there thinking “Damn mom, you done good, you done real good.” Date number one was a success and a couple days later I got asked on date number two.

That evening we planned on getting high and going to an art exhibit. In my mind I’m just like “I’ve found my soul mate… dentist, handsome, occasionally dabbles in recreational drugs… marriage material”. He picks me up in this swanky ass car and I’m just immediately like “Oh wow this is different”. I’m used to dating people my own age, so being picked up in an Uber means I’m getting spoiled.

We get to the art exhibit and he informs me that there will be no drugs. Ugh, strike one. We go inside and he barely speaks to me. Ok…maybe he’s just really into the art? After about 20 minutes he finally opened his mouth, to me immediately wishing he hadn’t. That hour was so dull I actually tried to plan my escape. Unfortunately, this was a pop up art exhibit and the only way to escape was through the front door which wouldn’t be too stealth. So I just prayed that the nightmarish date would either improve or end….Strike two.

After the exhibit he suggested grabbing apps and drinks at a restaurant. I was all for that idea, because alcohol would either loosen him up or I could get drunk to the point of forgetting where I am. Either way it would be a significant improvement to the night. We’re walking along when he spots a café and basically bolts for it, clearly the man needs an apple strudel.

I have never seen anyone eat like this in my life. You know how piranhas viciously maul their prey? Ya, this was that. I don’t think the guy even took a breath between bites. Like sir, have you ever eaten before? Still battling through my disaster date I thought “maybe he’s just hungry… pretend like you didn’t just see that. I NEED ALCOHOL!” This probably should have been strike three.

We leave the café and are informed at the restaurant that it’s going to be a bit of a wait. So Dr. Dentist decides we should go on a walk to Dundas Square. We’re standing in the middle of the square with a group of pot smoking teenagers to our left (who I am incredibly jealous of at that moment) and some fresh-off-the-boat tourists on our right. Dr. D and I are chatting, finally the conversation has picked up, but it feels more like we’re having two conversations that aren’t intersecting, as demonstrated by the next moment we shared. I asked him a question, relevant to the topic I thought we were both discussing, just to have it ignored. Instead, he throws in this awful one liner about how beautiful my smile is and how he’s happy I decided to give this a try. Then kisses me.

Sounds romantic and shit right? Well it’s not when 1) we are in the middle of Dundas square with everyone staring at us  2) The line was so forced it caused me physical pain 3) He pulls away immediately after our lips touch. I practically fell forward as I was not prepared for such a sudden retreat after the awfully timed and forced line. Best of all, he kind of just held me. LIKE WHO ARE YOU? I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU! I must be desperate or something because this should DEFINITELY have been strike three.

Thankfully it was time for food and DRINKS. The more alcohol I got into my system, the more tolerable he became. By the end of the date I thought I would even go on a third. I put aside the whole being ignored through an art gallery thing, watching him devour an apple strudle AND a full cheesecake (yes, not a slice but an entire cake) and the most awkward first kiss of my life.

He messaged me later that evening. The conversation died down quickly and he never asked for a third date. When I decided it was too cliché to wait for a man to muster up the courage to ask for a date I decided to do it myself. He didn’t even reply. Three strikes buddy, you’re out.