Mr. Hypnotist

Miranda – This one is for the books.

It’s actually a pretty funny situation, but the kind of humor that’s best appreciated from afar- you know, like when you’re not actually the poor girl that plays the starring role of this awkward movie she calls her life.

This next story begins yet again on Tinder. My reasoning for swiping right on Mr. Hypnotist was about superficial as it gets. He had me at “6’5.” Before I continue, let me just say I’m maximum 5’4 on a good day. So why I feel the need to date someone that is over a foot taller is beyond me. Anyway, I guess I deserve what came next. Over the next couple of days my communication over text with him was definitely one of the oddest experiences. To this day, I’m still undecided if his run-on sentences and spelling errors like “lets go for coffie” was carelessness or pure stupidity. I’m no grammar Nazi, but telling me that you are having a “bizzy day” is just not going to cut it.

I pushed these thoughts aside and made plans to meet for a quick coffee. He arrived 20 minutes late, just as I was on the cusp of leaving out of frustration and impatience. Mr. Hypnotist apologized profusely and we sat down and began our conversation. Even though he was no Mr. Starry Night, overall he was pleasant enough, as tall as he claimed to be, and showed great interest in getting to know me. At the same time, he was visibly nervous and fidgety, which only added to the awkwardness of the situation. However, this isn’t what makes the story as great as I originally promised.

About 10 minutes into the conversation he tells me a very curious fact about himself. One of his previous jobs was as a Stage Hypnotist Performer. Now fun fact about me – I grew up being kind-of a magic geek, and hypnotism totally falls under that category. He now piqued my interest, but for how long could he keep it? From there, I made my first mistake.

Mr. Hypnotist asked me if he could try hypnotizing me and I’m ashamed to say my curiosity got the better of me. Before I continue, need I remind you we’re still sitting in a very public coffee shop so I can’t say if this is the right environment for this kind of activity. He began his hocus pocus and while I felt myself definitely getting calmer, I didn’t feel like I was in a trance. The moment where I was supposed to be “under the influence” never came, and I got anxious. I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed that it didn’t work so the only thing I could think of doing at that very moment was to… fake it. Now up until now, I never thought I’d have to fake at any other moment than during sex, but here I am in that very position. I’m pretty sure that my acting skills were pretty cringe-worthy but he didn’t seem to notice. Just when I thought the horror was over, he proceeded to continue to hypnotize me another 3 times. During these sessions, he “influenced” me to forget the number 7, forget my name, and ended with a grand finale of attempting to make me fall in love with him. Unfortunately for him, none of this worked but because I was too much of a pussy to call him out on his lack of hypnotism skills I continued to play the role and I followed through with all of his asks. Hey, I’m a method actress dedicated to the art of pretend, what can I say.

At this point, I’m pretty sure all eyes in the coffee shop were on us, but I guess I deserved it for not speaking up earlier. We parted ways with a hug and I rushed to my chiro appointment (thank god I had a real excuse to leave). As you might guess, I had no intention to see Mr. Hypnotist again. To my dismay, he didn’t feel the same way. His barely legible texts persisted for the next 3 weeks.

This very tall man has much room for improvement on his hypnotism skills. I walked away from that date very much not in love with him.

UPDATE: He texted me once again on a Sunday afternoon. This has been probably two months since our initial coffee date. Thankfully, in his proposition of a “coffee & walk,” the spelling was correct! I was happy to see improvement, until I saw the remainder of his text, “Hope your having a great day!@.” No, the @ sign is not a typo by me, but by the unfortunate Mr. Hypnotist.