The 7 stages of Getting Stood Up

tina

The Initial Inkling: You’ve made plans and things seem great, the big day arrives but…you guys aren’t texting. It’s ok, it’s cool…not a big deal. You don’t like texting all that much anyway, just message him if you haven’t heard anything after your shower…

Just message if you haven’t heard once your makeup is done…

Just message after this episode of How I Met Your Mother.

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The Breaking Point: Ok, so you’ve spent half the episode watching the clock and the other half checking your phone, enough is enough. It’s an hour before your date and the meeting place is at least a 40 min walk away….so you send a casual text: “Hey! Are you still good for 7-ish?”

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The Rationalization: “There’s no way!” you think to yourself. He seemed way more into you than you into him, if anything you should be the bailer instead of the bailed on! You think back to your most recent interactions, the sweet message suggesting how excited he was for your date, how he said he was “intrigued” by you and you’re totally flabbergasted. Maybe he got caught up at work, maybe his phone died, or maybe he was abducted by a terrorist organization that’s holding him captive until he builds them a weaponized, metal suit that ultimately defeats the terrorists and fight crime….

iron man
The Iron Man scenario is totally plausible right?

The Realization: You open tinder (the birthplace of this beautiful relationship) and realize you can’t find your convo…He’s unmatched you, it’s 7:30 and you are text-less. You are officially being stood up.

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The Shame: You feel the colour rush to your cheeks when it hits you that this is real. You’re going to have to tell all your friends about this and that just friggen sucks. You don’t want to hear the supportive/pitying line “you’re too good for him” or that “there are plenty of fish in the sea”. You know that! Nonetheless, feelings of self-doubt envelop you as does the disappointing realization that you definitely won’t be hooking up tonight.

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The AW HELL NAW: At this point you magically transform into a strong, independent black woman who don’t need no man. Who dafaq does this guy think he is fkin witchu…. He’s nothing special and you are a queen. You run through all his potential faults  in your head and conclude that if he doesn’t want to meet you, it’s his loss…You laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and finish off the glass of chardonnay sitting on the coffee table.

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Acceptance: You say “F*** IT”. Put on a push up bra, your fave pair of heels and get the eff back out there. There is NO use sitting on your ass moping over someone who did you wrong. Realistically, if he’s the type to pull this shit then do you really want that kind of guy anyway? Save yourself the pity party, take a shot and go have some fun!

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The Fling’s the Thing

I originally was writing this as a 2-part tale about one crazy week of my life. However, due to circumstances you can read about below, this story extends past one week. So if you need a refresher you can find Part 1 here.

Wow, you’re back! Ok… uhm, I really wasn’t expecting this!

JK I knew you’d be back. Reading my posts is like passing by a car accident: it’s a damn mess but you can’t bring yourself to look away.

Now, where were we? Oh yes. I had recently hooked up with King of the Douchelords and was feeling pretty low. So I did what every girl does when her self-esteem is reeling…I looked for validation elsewhere. Now don’t you worry my friends, I am acutely aware of how dangerous this can be, we’ve all been in the situation where you’ll settle for anyone just to get some attention. So instead of hitting up an ex or another potential fkboi, I turned to an option who seemed like the anti-douchelord: Boston Boy.

He had been messaging me consistently since our first date, making me feel pretty rotten for not giving him the time of day when he seemed like a great guy. I invited him over the following Sunday, this time to hang out in a park outside my building. It may sound dramatic but I was a little “traumatized” by the incident with King Douchlord two days prior (Part 1), and that combined with our very meh hookup was enough motivation to try keep him away from my bedroom. He didn’t seem to mind though and we spent all afternoon lying in the sun, chatting and sharing (more than) a couple of kisses. It was really sweet and exactly what I needed: time spent with a decent guy who I didn’t feel any sort of pressure to be with…he was heading back to Boston in 4 days after all.

sandra

The following night, while home watching Bachelor in Paradise (#NoRagrets), he suggested coming over and I hesitantly agreed. I wasn’t down for another hookup that would leave me feeling anything but satisfied, but thankfully he did not disappoint. Our second hookup was significantly better than the first and it seems like he’d figured out how to use what (little) the good lord had given him. We hung out again the next night…I know, I know! 3 days in a row…take a chill pill amirite? He was leaving in two days anyway and we were having a lot of fun so it didn’t feel like normal rules applied.

I was glad I’d decided to give this fling a second chance, especially because this particular type works for me. When one person is local and the other is visiting it seems like the perfect opportunity for a successful fling as you can essentially do whatever you want without feeling like anything needs to be defined. The finish line is crystal clear from the get-go and for me and so many of my friends, the expectation of where something may lead is what mentally fucks with us the most. Between this guy and my love affair in Banff, I’m beginning to think I may be a spring fling queen.

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It’s actually really interesting if you think about it. I am the most successful with relationships when I don’t need to worry about the end game. Is this evidence that I self-sabotage by prematurely assessing how something will pan out or does it say something more general about modern dating? When we stop the bullshit, stop the games and just get to know the person we’re interested in, it’s pretty easy to build an awesome connection. Conversely, when you add all that “who texted who first” crapola, it ruins everything. I saw Boston Boy 3 days in a friggen row…and yes, that is a little excessive, but I can’t even imagine doing that if he wasn’t going to be disappearing at the end of it all. #FlingLyfe has shown me that being honest with someone and just acting on what feels natural is the best way to experience something that’s enjoyable and stress-free. Sure, that seems intuitive…but try it in practice I dare you! It is WAY harder to act easy and breezy when you’re planning baby names in the back of your mind during a third date.

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As usual I digress, and I’m sure you’re curious to hear how this whole thing played out. I was supposed to see him one more time before he left on Thursday and was happy to tie up my fling with a neat little bow. Well you know what they say about life right? It’s what happens when you’re busy making plans. His job got extended by a week giving us more opportunity to hang out and I saw him a number of times over the next week. Hell, my roommate’s boyfriend even met him.

Fast-forward to last night, I was set to see him once more as he left for Boston today, our 2-week fling-iversary #romancegoals. We met at his hotel and bar-hopped around the city sampling craft beers and apps for the next 5 hours. I’m not going to lie, after how awkwardly things had ended with my fling in Banff, I was nervous as to how my exit would go. Well, I’m happy to report that we have a fantastic night together and I left the hotel this morning with a kiss goodbye, my watch on my wrist (see Monsieur Formidable for reference) and zero awkwardness! He said he’d look me up if he was in town again and I was cool with that. I would also be cool if he didn’t look me up, but eh, that’s for Future Samantha to decide.

After discussing my night with Miranda this morning, she said she was surprised at how easily I could separate the emotional from the physical as I did spend a significant amount of time with this guy. I guess it must be because I was never really into him in that way. We got along great and feeling intimate with someone is generally nice, so it never felt like I had to separate my emotions, they just didn’t exist. I doubt that I would have continued hooking up with Boston Boy if he was local but that’s the beauty of this stage of life. We can make self-serving decisions, take risks and try things we wouldn’t otherwise all for the sake of having new experiences, both good and bad. All I can say is that the past 2 weeks have been a friggen whirlwind and that I’ve learned more about myself and relationships in 14 days than I have in the last couple of months. Baby steps people, baby steps.

Mr. Hot and Cold…and hot again

Samantha – This past week I was out for drinks with some co-workers and having a great time. Much to my dismay, people began leaving surprisingly early and the night was winding down just as I was turning up. Obviously then, the logical next step was to find a way to keep the good times rolling. And how did I do that, you may ask? By texting good ole Mr. Hot and Cold. Who, for those of you not following my dating life religiously, disappeared a little over a month ago after I attempted to reschedule a date.

But Samantha, why did you message him? Well my loyal followers, he’s probably one of the only people I know who’d be 100% down for drinks at any hour of any day and I was looking for a sure thing. There was also the added benefit that we had left a couple lose ends untied that I was hoping to resolve, so I said YOLO and did it for the story, or the blog ;).

We met up within ten minutes of my message and immediately fell into a comfortable catch up of what we’d been up to since last hanging out…by last hanging out I mean running into each other at a bar and totally ignoring the other’s existence. Ya, that needed to be addressed. I very politely, but bluntly, asked why he had gone AWOL after what he’d described as two great dates. Well according to Mr. H&C, rescheduling our date made it seem like I was disinterested, so he wanted to “protect himself” from getting too invested. I’m not entirely sure that I buy this excuse as he did once reschedule on me because the Jays lost a baseball game…But hey, I was essentially booty calling him so who am I to condemn f**kboi tendencies.

We enjoyed a couple beers and some food before heading out toward his ‘hood. I had reapplied some lip balm in the bathroom before we left, leading to the undoubtedly greatest ‘Mean Girls’ moment of my life: While walking hand in hand under the twinkling Christmas lights, he stops, lays a big kiss on me, smiles and says: “Your lips taste like peppermint”…to which I burst out laughing, ruining the quasi-romantic moment because all I could picture was Aaron Samuels kissing Regina’s foot cream face.

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Upon arrival I met his roommates, which I always find awkward because it’s like “Hey I’m Sam, you know why I’m here and are probably mentally high-fiving your buddy for getting it in”. Nonetheless, I’ve accepted these semi-awkward moments as the trials and tribulations that I must bear, and we head up to his room to get down to business.

Other than smoking my head on the roof of his loft-style bed in one of my greatest displays of grace and poise, the evening was a success. We had a really fun time and he even called me an Uber to get back to the subway, who says chivalry is dead?

However, this is Mr. Hot and Cold we’re talking about, and as such, I’, expecting that our hot hook up will lead to a much colder front in the near future…stay tuned to see how it all shakes out.