Mr. Nightmare On My Street

Samantha – Oh man, I am so sorry you’re about to read this. It is embarrassing, it is cringe-worthy and entirely hilarious if it didn’t happen to you.  Definitely a look-back-and-laugh kind of situation….I hope.

It all started around 9 o’clock on Saturday night, it was Halloween and I knew it was going to be wild. I hadn’t gotten very drunk for a long time, which according to the law of averages meant that I was due for a disaster. I guess things had just being going too well for me lately. After drinking way too much rum and playing way too much beer pong with way too much wine, I was stinking drunk. Like black out before the bar drunk, which is what I’m going to use to excuse my ludicrous behavior.

It started when I was making out with this guy at the pre-drink, who happened to be my beer pong partner, outside of my friend’s house. Ok, not entirely classy but not all that bad either. We go our separate ways and besides for some awkward dialogue everything was copasetic.  Then it’s time to go to the bar. We all congregate outside my friend’s house and on the steps of her front porch in front of everyone at the pre, including my beer pong partner/make out buddy, I ambush another guy with my mouth. Please keep in mind I do not remember any of this and was receiving updated accounts from my friends until 4PM YESTERDAY. So if I’m missing any details it is because I am intentionally leaving them out or have no idea what they are….which is probably a good thing because here is where the story picks up.

We all hop into Ubers and I head to the bar with conquest #2 in the front seat, a good friend on my left, and this guy that I haven’t seen since grade 5 on my right. Now for my pièce de résistance:  with conquest #2 is in the front seat, I begin making out with Grade 5 Guy while my poor friend tries to put as much distance between us and her as she can. She was so uncomfortable and conquest #2 was just like “Trueeeee” since I had been kissing him probably 3 minutes prior. Luckily, Grade 5 Guy had enough sense to stop me before things got even more out of hand and the rest of the ride was relatively uneventful.

I end up spending the rest of the night with Grade 5 Guy because apparently making moves on 3 people from the same pre is the limit that my drunk self has set. Truthfully, if this is where the night ended I would have just chocked it up to one of those that I’d happily forget and move on from. Unfortunately it wasn’t and I can only describe the next series of events as utterly traumatic.

Grade 5 Guy and I decide to leave the bar and grab a cab to my place. We head inside – where I live with my parents, mind you – and all of a sudden this blaring engulfs the house…I have tripped the damn alarm trying to sneak in! And, being the drunken brainiac that I am, I hit the “POLICE” button instead of off when putting in the security code…EXCELLENT. So naturally the waling continues until my mom runs out and shuts it off. At this point my poor, drunken brain can’t handle all the incoming stimuli and had only enough sense to clumsily push Grade 5 Guy toward the basement, hoping that I had not been caught sneaking a 6 foot something, essentially random guy into my house. Obviously, that was not the case and they totally knew.

The problem is that my parents are not at all fond of having guys stay over. In fact, this is the first time a guy ever has, made much better by the fact that they had no idea he was coming. I knew that when I moved back home hooking up was going to be a challenge, but never in my right mind would I have brought someone home because it is just plainly absurd. However, I was clearly not in my right mind when I made this decision and am barely alive to tell the tale.

Keep in mind that I am actually leaving out quite a bit of gory detail as there are some things just too embarrassing to release to the internet. But I’m sure you can assume that if this is the toned down version of my night, Sunday morning was exceptionally rough on all accounts. Honestly, I’m pretty sure I was still drunk when he left at 8 am the next day because oh ya, that’s right. For whatever reason unbeknownst to the likes of me, my parents didn’t kick him out and we ended up hooking up in my basement. Yup, that’s the decision I made after all the theatrics throughout the night. Needless to say, my conversation with my parents the day after was nothing less than incredibly awkward and things are super weird at this point. Waiting for this to blow over is like watching paint dry…a slow and painful death.

Oh! And what about the police button you ask? Well, by the grace of God the alarm company called and my mom was able to convince them that I’d made a mistake and not to dispatch the police…Because realistically this story could have only have been made worse by cops showing up, searching my house and finding two intoxicated idiots hooking up in the basement.

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Mr. Pen Pal Only

Samantha – I’ll keep this post short and sweet because unfortunately our date was quite the opposite. I met this guy (again from Tinder) after work one day and was looking forward to it as we’d had some pretty solid virtual conversations. When he arrived I immediately noticed two things. 1) He was SIGNIFICANTLY shorter than me – this is when I learned to ask for heights PRE-date and 2) he was nothing like his online persona. Unlike our virtual chats, face-to-face we had so much trouble keeping a convo going and really had nothing to talk about. This was surprising, as usually I can’t stop talking and ramble on about the same amount as two normal people would on any given day. But this time, nothing but crickets and our two hour date felt more like two long, drawn out years. Example of my solid attempt at open-ended questioning:

S: “What kind of music do you listen to?”
Date: “A lot of different things.”
S: “Cool, what’s your favourite?”
Date: “I don’t know, hard to pick.”
S: “…”

EXCUSE ME SIR, CAN YOU NOT TELL I AM TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION HERE?

The ONLY thing we could agree upon was how crappy it is to commute downtown every day because lucky for me, we take the same route home. After giving this guy a concerted effort and far more energy than I had to expend, I gave up entirely on trying to converse and just sat in silence waiting for my stop. That night he texted me asking when he’d see me next, but needless to say, that day has yet to come.