It’s Not You, It’s Me.. Or Is It?

Yesterday, I had a conversation with one of my friends and she asked me “what’s that thing that all boys keep doing when you’re dating”. She told me about her and her friends and the patterns that they kept falling into whether it was falling for the same fuckbois, or only being asked for snapchat and instagram as forms of off app communication. As she was asking me that, I happened to be waiting, rather impatiently, for an answer from a boy I was seeing, Mr. Hockey.  My conversation with my friend got me thinking and based on my patterns of dating behaviours and experiences, made me predict what his answer was going to be “I like you a lot, but I’m just not ready for a relationship”. When it was confirmed yes that was his answer, I got to thinking: why does this keep happening and what does it mean?

My last two little flings with guys, have both ended the same way – they like me a lot, but they aren’t ready for something serious. After Mr. Hm, I thought that this might just be a really polite and respectful new version of the cliche “it’s not you it’s me”. But I accepted it for what it was, and decided I had no choice but to move on. Once it happened again, just about a month later, I’m starting to wonder if that’s true of if there’s something more behind those words.

I had swiped right on Mr. Hockey, not even 4 days after Mr. Hm and I had ended – I mean what better way to get over one person than to try to get under be respected and go on dates with someone else who was cute and presumably more emotionally available. When he asked me out I was, definitely not ready, but wanted to go out with him anyways, because TBH he was very attractive (again, I’m well aware at how shallow this is, but can you really blame me?). I thought he’d just be some great eye candy that would be a nice distraction, but after a really nice date with him, I knew there was a lot to him and I even started, to my own disappointment, to actually think I could like him. We talked everyday, and unlike Mr. Hm, he gave me that attention that I craved. He was kind, and attentive and caring and just gave me those butterflies. He would always message me first, and take a genuine interest in me and my day. Pair that with his incredible chivalry (I mean, I never even had to open my own car door when I was with him!) After a couple more dates, I could confirm that I liked him and liked where things were headed. It seemed so clear to me that he was ready and respectful.

Until Saturday night, where we had made plans. He had messaged me in the morning to confirm, and had solidified the plans with me. I was excited to get to spend more time with him, since our constant talking just left me longing to see him!  At about 6pm he last minute cancelled. WHAT!? This just left me upset, disappointed and confused. A million thoughts went through my head about what it could be, why he did that, what does that mean. If I have learned anything remotely helpful from my dating endeavours, I have learned that for me it’s best to just ask WTF is going on, so that’s exactly what I did. I crafted up a direct, but sweet message that would help me get to the bottom of it. In my head, I had a feeling something was up when he last minute cancelled, but I clung on to the response I had wanted “Of course I want to hang out again when are you free”

However, as each hour passed, it became clearer to me that something was wrong, and my feelings of anxiousness were at an all time high. Upon waiting approximately 10 dreadful hours to my message about wanting to reschedule I get the text I wasn’t waiting for. It felt like verbatim the same situation with Mr. Hm, “I’m really sorry, I’m not in the right head space and don’t want anything serious with anyone. I really like you and I really like being around you but it’s not a good time for me”.  Of course I was upset, but after waiting so long I was glad that I finally had an answer. But now what? Of course I wished him well and blamed it on the timing – to which his response was that he hopes we can reconnect when the timing is better, because he really does see something with me.

At this point, I was upset, but his words, and what I think were his genuine expressions, left me hopeful. So I continued to talk to him for the duration of the evening because I was just not ready to let go. A few more hours of normal, flirty banter later and he has invited me over. This quick 180 to this (what I’m assuming) proposed casual relationship took me by a great surprise, but also left me with quite a few wild thoughts:

  1. Anyone who knows me knows that I have never done casual. Maybe I’m a prude, maybe I’m just more guarded, but I have always steered very clear from anything casual.  Something about this guy has ignited the thought that maybe it’s something that I want. I mean, I’m busy with work, so is he, I know he respects me and I know at this moment in time I’m not interested in meeting someone new. Could I really be considering a casual relationship?! And what does this mean? Could it be that I am also in a place where I’m career focused and something less time consuming might actually fit better into my schedule? Casual dating has been a territory that has been so unexplored, and now I begin to wonder and think about why?
  2. When I think of this situation – I am brought back to Miranda’s post about her 6ix month relationship. Am I thinking that I want casual with the hopes that it will develop into something more? He made it very clear that he isn’t ready for serious, BUT he also made it very clear that he likes me and sees serious with me. If I don’t see him again soon in a more casual (or even plutonic way) does that mean my chances with him are over? Will I be upset if it stays casual? I think that I know the answers to my own questions, but I can’t help from having a little bit of a wandering mind…
  3. WTF does it mean that these boys keep telling me that they aren’t ready for serious? With Mr. Hockey especially, we had only been on a few dates. The conversation about what we are, and what do we want has hardly even come up. Do I give off such a relationship vibe that the boys I’m dating sense it before I even know it myself? I mean, after just a handful of dates, does anybody really know if they want a relationship?
  4. Should I feel respected or rejected? I have now heard this line a few times, by guys that have been so wonderful and kind and respectful – but what does this mean? Does this mean that it’s an easy way out and they want to spare my feelings? Or does it genuinely mean that they aren’t ready and don’t want to lead me on. Does it just mean that I’m not the right girl? If I was right, would they do anything to make it work, or does their current lifestyle really not leave room for a girlfriend? As I struggle with figuring out the underlying meaning, I think about how I could have avoided this happening again. How I can I gage what a guy wants before I start liking them, all while seeming cool and chill? I mean is my right move REALLY to be asking them on a first date where they see this going. I’m sorry, but thank you, next.
  5. How do I keep finding these guys that are so not ready? Is it an age thing? Most guys I date are in their mid twenties, but does that just mean they want one last hurrah of single-hood before they have to settle down? What pattern or sign am I missing that I so easily misread these situations?! 

With these questions in mind and at play, I know that I need some deserved ~me time~ and need to take myself on a dating hiatus to figure out what is going on and what I need. The apps are gone and there are zero dates on the horizon for me! So cheers to girls nights, buckling down into my job and just having fun with friends and family!

See ya (maybe – but hopefully not too) soon!

 

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Mr. MusicMan

For the last half year I have tried to make sex meaningless. I felt as though if I could overcome the emotional aspect I wouldn’t get hurt anymore. But I did, in every sense of the word.

My first date with Mr. MusicMan was okay at best. He started off really negative but I thought it was just because he was tired from working all day. All he did was talk about hating his job, wanting to be a rock star and dreaming about winning the lottery. He was stupidly good-looking so I cut him some slack. At the end of the night he drove me home and kissed me. It’s been a while since a kiss has actually made my heart drop but it happened. Best of all, he messaged me the next morning saying he wanted to see me again!

Our second date took place at his apartment. He wanted to make me dinner – which I basically took as being a booty-call. At first I was hesitant but then I came back to this recurring notion of “why should I care, it’s just sex”. So I went over. The entire night was kind of awkward but I just blamed in on the sexual tension.

After dinner we were hanging out and although I was promised a movie he never turned one on. This just confirmed my belief that this was a booty-call. We ended up making out and it got steamy really quick. Mr. MusicMan was significantly bigger than me and was picking me up with ease. He did all the right moves as picking me up and tossing me on a bed is a sure way into my heart and usually my pants.

Things got intimate VERY quickly and the next thing I knew he was on top of me. This is where things got uncomfortable and quickly made me challenge this perception of sex that I’ve been trying to adopt. Almost immediately he went from being someone who I was super into to someone I was kind of afraid of. I’ve always had problems with intercourse and it’s a huge hit or miss whether or not it will hurt me. Unfortunately, this time it did. But it also didn’t help that he was incredibly rough.

He wanted to change positions every 10 seconds, to the point where I felt like a fucking acrobat. The entire process hurt me immensely and although he asked if I was okay or whether I wanted to stop he never actually slowed down even after I asked him to. The worst part was that I wanted it to stop but felt too uncomfortable to tell him. Here I was having sex with a guy I barely knew – how was I supposed to explain to him that I have a medical condition that clearly had gotten worse and was causing me an excruciating amount of pain? What if he won’t like me or won’t want to see me again?

After the torture was over I went to the washroom. I came back to find him in bed playing guitar – almost like I wasn’t there. I was uncomfortable and unsure as to what to do so I kind of just chilled for a while. We had some very uncomfortable pillow talk where he basically told me I was shallow and cracked a joke about me being a virgin. He also made a comment that he didn’t think I was the “type of girl” to have sex so quickly – leaving me confused and embarrassed feeling like I misread the incredibly clear signs.

At that point I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I felt disgusting, degraded and worst of all in so much pain I thought I was going to struggle to walk. After asking me to stay the night and rejecting his offer in the kindest way I could (which probably came off really rude) he drove me home and we went our separate ways.

He messaged me that night but then, as it always does, the conversation died and that was the last I heard from him.

This post isn’t about saying he was a shit guy and it’s not about saying sex can’t be casual. All I’m getting at is I think casual sex isn’t my thing. Everything that happened that night was consensual but I didn’t leave his apartment feeling giddy or even satisfied. I left feeling used and abused. Worst of all he had given me indication that we would hang out again, that he wasn’t the type of guy to just sleep with a girl and then throw her to the curb. Although I’m usually careful of these types of comments, I really wanted to believe him. I guess he was at least nice enough to drop me off on my own curb.

 

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Progress report:

At the point of writing this post (originally) I honestly thought we would never speak again. But the following evening, I was feeling weird about how things were left off  so I thought I’d try and ease the weirdness by making a joke. The night before he was convinced he was going to win the Power Ball, so I thought it would be appropriate to open up the conversation by reminding him that he lost:

Cirque De Soleil (2)

Maybe I have a shit sense of humour but I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t tell a girl that you don’t intend to see her again the evening after you had sex. Not only was the sex awful but now it was clear this guy was a MAJOR D-BAG.

A few days later I have the good fortune of hearing from him again:

Cirque De Soleil (1)

At first I thought introducing a conversation with an emoticon at 12:30am meant I was being booty called. But then I remembered he was in Montreal all weekend so that wouldn’t make sense. As you can see from my side of the conversation I’m hilarious (or at least I think so). Even after receiving a message saying “Missing our horrible sex…” I still tried to crack a joke. Like, sir, do you really have to remind me of how bad the sex was? I was there; I’m well aware you sucked.

That was clearly not the response he was looking for. I’m not sure if he wanted me to comfort him or something but that’s not really the way I normally react to an insult. Try to bring me down and I’m taking you with me.

Dear followers, please feel free to share your thoughts. (1) WTF was the point of this conversation? (2) Did I seem stressed at all in order to warrant being told to “relax”?

I’m starting to think I just attract crazy. I’ll keep you guys posted if I hear anything else from this guy, it’s bound to be post worthy.